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DnJ, Valeska, Caligirl, Grok and others, I find it bittersweet that you've gained such deep insight into midlife crises. While I'm truly sorry that you've had to navigate this difficult path, your journey has become a source of wisdom and comfort for so many of us. Your responses, filled with compassion, understanding and 2x4s, offer me a lifeline of hope, reassurance and direction. The kindness in your words is deeply felt and cherished. Thank you for being such a blessing. Let's see what 2025 has in store for us.
No problem. My BD happened when I was 28 so not quite a MLC situation - but I find almost all divorces have a similar flow. At 42 - I'm so detached from the situation its like looking at a storybook. I remember that there was tremendous pain, but no longer really feel any of it. I wish other parts of my life were that easy...lol
Originally Posted by MamaG
I've been giving this a lot of thought. S is so much like H. Can talk for hours about superficial things. Dives deep into work and feels such satisfaction from his accolades. It's so rare that feelings come through in discussions. Emotions are rare.
I brought this to his attention about a month ago. In short, I told him that I wish I had raised him a bit differently. Immediately, S took offense and asked what was wrong with him that he needs changing. (Criticism, even perceived criticism, is not well rec'd by dismissive avoidants.) I clarified that I wish that we talked more about his feelings/emotions through the years bc suppressing feelings isn't healthy. I told S I wish I knew more about how he feels about things. S was receptive when I said, "I wish he was born with a manual on how to raise a child." We laughed and S agreed that I did the best I could and started to talk me through what I great job I did. It was a beautiful moment but we haven't talked feelings since then. If I share my feelings, S is receptive to listening. Doesn't expand though. How do I get him to open up without making it look like that's what I'm doing? Or do I come clean (again) and talk through the possibility of generational behavior that he may pick up?.
Unfortunately you can't. You have to learn to accept him for who he is. Of course - you can always leave the door open for him to chat, be receptive to when he opens up. But otherwise - stay silent. Let him come to you. I am working on this alot in 2025. With my friends, colleagues. This is the year of silence for me. If they want/ready for the help - they will ask. I have faith in my character and trust they know I am here for them.
Originally Posted by MamaG
With S, nothing comes up. Strong barrier here that I'd like to soften so I can help. I also realize that I can only control me. Trying to strike a balance so as to not give up on S, all the while questioning if it's the 'fixer' in me that can't let go. Thoughts? I thought I could throw in some comments on this when gently letting him know about OW.
I am going to say this as someone who is NOT a parent... but honestly... I'm not sure it's your place to. I keep coming back to the fact that he is grown. They both are. You slipped telling your D (your words not mine), don't repeat it by telling S.
I agree with DNJ though - if she needs to tell him for support so they can go through it together with sibling love - support it.
Secrets are no fun. They can be very very destructive.
