Originally Posted by MamaG
A short 4 hours after H left, I rec'd a text. As far as I can tell, H hasn't doubled down as Valeska points out. I've got my eyes open though.

I will say that I suspect H is moving through the tunnel. H has dipped a toe or two into depression and may be further along than I thought. Time will tell. I will stay the course and remain detached until outreaches are meaningful. Superficial conversations are of no interest to me.

H: How's the water? (What a strange question to reach out to ask. I presume anchor checking as the dance didn't go quite as he planned.)
M: It's fine. Thx (responded the following day)
H: I'm glad (responded immediately after receiving my text)


Really good detached answer here. Next step would be to not answer at all. It's not his concern and not worth a reply. You two are no longer teammates in this life.


Originally Posted by MamaG
And that was the last of our conversation. No Merry Christmas message was sent by either of us.

I have been there so I empathize will all the feelings that came up with that. It's a hard step to detachment that doesn't feel great. But good work managing the hard!

Originally Posted by MamaG
Talked D through her anxiety and she eventually made it to Christmas dinner. She wanted to go to see a couple family members but could do without a visit with others. After some conversation, she fessed that she was worried that H hadn't gotten her a gift and she didn't know how she'd cope. There's that 'fear' again. I need to work with her on this....as I've been helped here. TY DnJ for the great insight a few weeks back that I can share with D.

In the end, she seemed to have had a great time and only mentioned a couple things that really upset her. I couldn't explain one of them - perhaps you can help me. Basically, about 10 years ago, we bought our dog a collar with sea turtles on it. Admittedly, I don't think it's a great looking collar but here's what interesting. D said that H's dog is wearing the same exact collar. I don't even know how he could've come across it 10 years later. For this reason, she thought H had taken it from the house to put on his dog. Knowing that it's a duplicate, she felt better that it wasn't sticky fingers. Yet, she is now more perplexed about why he'd buy the same exact collar....with sea turtles.

Even stranger to me (and I didn't say this to D) is that his first tattoo while in MLC was one of a large sea turtle with a saying, "If not in this life, in the next". Could his subconscious have attracted him to the sea turtles 10 years ago....and they still have meaning to him? He also bought sea turtle puzzle to put together earlier this year. I'm so confused. Dogs and sea turtles just keep surfacing. Any explanation for what would move him to get a replica of our dog's collar?

I think the answer you give to her is the same you need to give yourself. That you understand how confusing this all is but the truth is that you have no idea what has meaning in your H's life and looking at dog tags for "signs" is what we call a cheeseless tunnel.

If he got it because there is no emotional attachment - it changes nothing.
If he does get it because it has meaning to him - it changes nothing.

Trying to understand why someone does something doesn't make it better. Even when there's an answer. It's a very natural thing to do in the beginning but staying there leads to long term affects. We stay in the past versus living in the present. It prevents progress, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Again... this is about getting comfortable with the BOTH AND sentences. He can miss his family AND still move forward with the D. I know it's hard. It has to be almost a daily practice.

Originally Posted by MamaG
H's sister expressed disappointment through D that she didn't get invited to come for breakfast - she expressed the same disappointment last year too. I'm just not ready for that and so I kept the invite to only my family. No regrets.

Good for you. Divorce affects the whole family. You can be kind and enforce your boundaries.

Originally Posted by MamaG
I rec'd an invite from H's aunt for NY's day. Still haven't decided on whether to go or not. Invites from his family continue coming my way. I'm really considering popping in to see everyone I've called family for 30 years. We'll see if D is open to going with me.

My question to you is why? I could understand if your D was initiating the visit and needed support.. but why not try and push yourself for a new tradition?

I got along great with my X's family so it was hard losing them w/ the marriage. But outside of a funeral, I kept my distance. You can still be kind when you see them... but staying in their lives, is in turn staying in his life. A 180 would be to try and let go of it all. Painful.. but surrendering to the truth.

Originally Posted by MamaG
Wishing everyone a healthy and joyful 2025. And, thank you all for listening, reading, commenting, coaching. We'll get through this together and come out better people.

Happy New Year MG! You've made some really hard progress this year. You got this.