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Time away from the kids does me no good at all . Causes me quite a bit of anxiety along with them asking when I’ll be home every hour or so . I do a hybrid job . It’s on ongoing joke when I have to go out for meetings . Within 5 mins of anyone being home they start . Where are you ? How long are you going to be ? I miss you . They are only small for just so long . I embrace it more than steer away from it . They for a very long time only had one truly consistent parent so maybe I am just a bit more understanding of it . “We” as in surprisingly both of us planned some things to do with the kids overnight in January . The man who begrudgingly told everyone how I spent all his money on vacations now actively has planned 3 different things in the upcoming 6 months . One is a 5 day with just me and him . I will mentally prepare the children prior . Just to chime in on vacations if anyone needs a laugh today ,his parents brought it up to me after A was dropped . How I travel and spend so much money doing it . I said I travel with our children . I invest in their childhood memories .I could have went and got a side piece like your son and blown thousands on hotels but instead I ignored his non sense and spent time with “our” children while he bedded another woman . I will say his mother cracked up and said travel as much as you want 😀. His father dropped the topic as fast as he said it . Talk about a truth dart .
This entire process is just work . I’m getting older and tired of working at something that causes me utter pain . I used to have mounds of forgiveness and positive outlooks on marriage . I know part of DB is finding the best version of yourself . I still have mounds of forgiveness and positive outlooks just not with him currently.
Just like you said grok . Commitment . I have strong values on this . I’m still here . The intrusive thoughts used to be more of that sharp pain . Now they seem to be more I look at him and see someone pitiful. One thing that keeps me a bit grounded is I can see just how wrecked he is by what he has caused . Arrogance has been gone for awhile now .I can see guilt and his ambition to make his wife his priority along with his children . I do have that soft spot . I could not imagine if the shoes were reversed coming home and looking at someone I emotionally destroyed . That would eat me alive . I do sometimes think about that . What he must be going through. Is he as solid as he appears .
I think about getting to that point of peace with him . If I make it through this . I have done counseling on a few occasions with him and without him . This round I have some very supportive friends who are just rock solid. Keep me from running far far away !
The one thing mainly I’m noticing is I am struggling still just to talk . I don’t cry often . But last night I laid in bed with tears just running down my face . H didn’t see and still doesn’t know . It was pitch black . At some point he grabbed my hand and felt me squeeze it back . H just said..I’m here. I have this awful habit of not wanting to hurt anyone or bother them . I thought it’s late he has work early not the time . I’ll just cry in silence . This is something I need to work on . It’s not that he won’t listen . I just can’t get it out to even say anything . I remember valseka when I first posted telling me to put my oxygen mask on first and breathe. I still think about that post often .
