Last couple weeks have been busy, complicated, emotional, productive, fun, quiet, loud...snowy...and even peaceful at times. I guess I've been GALing.
A new normal... I'm enjoying my senior dogs. Glands are healed on D1. Both are still happy to see me when I walk through the door. The 's' word visited recently bringing out the puppy energy in Dog1 and bringing out the shivers in Dog2. The 10 pounds doesn't keep him warm even with the Christmas sweater. I picked up some beef heart while at the grocery store and cooked it up for them as a treat this week. They were beyond happy to get some home cooking. I had no interest in sharing their treat. Last week was pumpkin puree. It's the little things that mean so much to them. Something for me to also appreciate - the little things that aren't so little. Simple pleasures.
Did some shoveling and noticed that unlike last year, I wasn't cursing H with each shovelful. Progress on my end.
The dashboard on D's car had some new lights so we had it checked. Because of this, she hitched a right to BF's house the day before Thanksgiving. I was bummed but recognize that traditions will be changing as the years go on. New normal is being defined.
Thanksgiving day looked different, albeit, it was similar to last year since it was shortly after BD2. D celebrated with BF's family, and then came for dessert on Thanksgiving night at my sister's. Niece, mom and I baked for Thanksgiving - missed baking with D as it was generally just the two of us. It was nice...just different. New memories. New laughs. A new normal.
S drove in Thursday morning to watch the parade with me as per tradition. Both kids are into traditions and seem to be holding on. This warms my heart. S then joined H and H's family for dinner before visiting GF.
Yup, I'm feeing my new normal. Someday I may even embrace it....and may even enjoy it to its fullest. If I'm being honest, EMBRACING the new normal will come someday. Likely not this year. I'm ok with this for now.
S, GF, D, BF spent a day decorating the house with me for Christmas. This is tradition. Remember, we do everything together - enmeshment was a thing here. Even though we planned to get right on the decorating so we can be done at 3:00, we sat at the kitchen table laughing and chatting over coffee and donuts for over an hour before we moved us along. Enmeshment comes easy when we enjoy each other like we do. H's departure has changed the frequency of our connection. It's ok. They have lives of their own. I'm living a new normal. Defining a new normal. My life.
All of us decorated with Christmas music in the background. I loved every moment. We cursed the tree and the nightmare it is to put it together (as we do every year and laugh about it). We agreed to toss the tree in Jan and start with a new one next year....perhaps even getting a fresh tree for the first time. Yes, we still made the 3:00 target and ordered Chinese food! S and GF stayed the night and S and I enjoyed coffee the next morning. Sleepyhead GF slept in before they headed to breakfast with H the next morning to celebrate H's bday. I learned afterwards as they didn't know how I'd feel about telling me, that the 4 of them went to breakfast with H. D was so nervous about seeing H for the first time since June. My heart still aches for my kids and their new normal.
Both S and D wished H a happy bday on his day. S called. They talked for a bit and S offered to take him out but H said, 'I'm just going to stay in tonight.' Not sure I believe H did nothing but I'm not asking for confirmation.
Alternatively, after acknowledging D's text, D asked H what he was doing for his bday to extend an olive branch of her own. And, she's been missing dad. She always felt like his little girl until she didn't. She was disappointed with no response. Sigh. I know I can do nothing here but pray.
Kids still believe in Santa. HA! Aren't they funny?! They put their lists together and send them to 'Santa'. And, I've been shopping up a storm. Dog1 has been doing some barking - lots of protecting with each delivery.
Not completely sure what Christmas celebration plans look like for D and S just yet. We talked a bit but plans aren't solidified. Let's see how this new normal will look.
D finishes university semester very soon but has already informed me that she's staying at her apartment and doesn't expect to come home for the entire month break. sigh....but surely hope that I'll see her more than I do through the semester. Sadly, coming home doesn't have the same nostalgia that it once had for her. She's feeling some feelings and the holidays are bringing them out more. She's been sharing less with me. Possibly more with BF.
D didn't wish dad a Happy Thanksgiving and didn't see him all day. Late at night, H sent D a text to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. Seemed to her that he was waiting her out. Like a child, seeing how far away she has removed herself from him. She was less than pleased. I'm staying out of it.
I'm standing; holding onto hope and living my life. Embracing the new normal. Realizing the impacts of fear. I count my blessings every day. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Getting closer to consistently loving life. I'll get there.
I've read through my own 2 threads. Caught up on recommended threads to read. Allowed for emotions to run their course. Dedicated time to thinking about what's happened and happening - the why, when, how, who and even the fear - and I'm making attempts to rationalize my thoughts. Some thoughts clear faster than others. I'll get there.
Feelings flit - true. Simple smiling actions and frowning actions control more than realized. Mind controls. Thoughts are something I can control.
I'm taking care of me. Finding me.
Kids are adults and me worrying about them still comes natural.
I now question whether I've forgiven H like I tell myself that I have. Or, am I still going through anger and forcing the forgiveness (mentally) to save the marriage?
Having no contact allows me to not give H and OW oxygen. Thinking through how to be angry, release anger while not thinking about H/them...to get to forgiveness. I feel anger when they slip into my thoughts. Otherwise, I'm not angry.
As for H, he never responded to my request to celebrate my bday in early Nov. None of you are surprised. And, of course I don't want him to celebrate me because I asked. As recommended here, I didn't acknowledge his birthday and didn't message him for Thanksgiving either. I'm following direction from my friends here. Hard as it may be. I will say that it's not as counterintuitive as it once was. Some of the direction makes more sense. Perhaps my thoughts are clearing and common sense is returning.
The day after Thanksgiving: H: How was your thanksgiving? M: I had a great day
H heart emoji'd my message and that was the end of our conversation. I didn't engage. Space is all his and plenty of it.
Last year, as H was still living at home, I offered to go to the cemetery with him to visit his mom on her bday (this week). H declined and it seemed like he didn't want to acknowledge the day (true avoidant style). Instead he shoveled rocks to fill rockbeds around the house. While MLC was not a topic I was familiar with, let's just say that today I call the shoveling of rocks a replay activity. This year, I didn't send H any text/call for mom's bday either. Another day without observance from me.
In a few days, it'll be exactly a year in which H moved to live down the road on his own. I won't text or call to wish him a happy anniversary for this day either. I'm laughing through this comment - progress it is. It still feels surreal but it is my new normal. For now. As I still hope.
I have a cancer follow-up later this month. Don't worry. I won't be asking H to take me. I got this.
I knew it would be hard to get through Nov and Dec. I'm 1/2 way through and happy to report that I am surviving. Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed moments. Many moments. It's hard nonetheless to even fully enjoy the good moments. There seems to always be a memory of H that I acknowledge and find myself getting through. Tough months that I am and will get through.
One more week of work and I'm off for the year. Surprisingly, I was able to use up every PTO day and didn't give time back. I created a 'honey-do' list for myself to stay busy and productive. It may take the rest of the year to really accomplish it, but I'm well underway. One task is to replace the water heater. I've been getting quotes and hope to make a decision soon. Ordered several new faucets to replace as I learned that sediment from the water heater has been my issue all along. Not the well. It's the water heater. Clearing the screens isn't cutting it so new faucets it is! After getting the new water heater, I'll flush the pipes out of sediment and then replace the faucets.
Brother and I ended up in first place in pitch card league. Playoffs are next week but he won't be able to make it so I'll be playing with a friend of his instead. Can't complain since we set out to have fun and are now looking at a decent payout. Bonus!
New job hasn't been as quiet as I suspected. I've made some impressions and gotten recognition which feels good. Let's see if quieter is around the corner. Enjoying the job nonetheless. New people. New role.
I suspect I'll be asked to start a new thread soon. If I was starting one today, I'd title it, "A new normal." Maybe Accepting is the better title.
And, of course I don't want him to celebrate me because I asked. As recommended here, I didn't acknowledge his birthday and didn't message him for Thanksgiving either. I'm following direction from my friends here. Hard as it may be. I will say that it's not as counterintuitive as it once was. Some of the direction makes more sense. Perhaps my thoughts are clearing and common sense is returning.