Sorry for the delay in my response. The website was down for awhile on my end.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska19
PSS. Don't text him HBD on his birthday. This will be very hard so be busy that day and have support. PSSS. No holiday texts. No response back to holiday texts.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
We say around to keep the road home smooth. What that means is that we are polite and kind in our boundaries. It is not us taking on the work that our spouse needs to do. Let your H do his work. Without your suggestions, manipulations, or "guidance".
I don't how to reconcile these two statements.
Right now, I can't rationalize texting H or not texting for bdays / holidays. I'm not afraid of 'monster' as his response to me not texting H. I will do the 'right' thing just not understanding the direction and vets advice. I've read to meet him where he is. Lean in when he leans in. I know his HBD text was empty and likely took him most of the day to figure out what to say to me. (Pretty sad considering how easy this used to be before MLC fun.) Had I not asked here, I would have rationalized that I should provide a HBD text as he did (seeing as it's a short time apart). Thanksgiving/Xmas seems easier for me to accept no text unless I get one. Even still, the recommendation is to not respond. Can you give me the 'why'? What's the reason? rationalization?
The short answer is because sending these kind of texts is not accepting your current situation. It's an attempt at keeping a connection to a person who doesn't seek to keep one with you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska19
PS. Don't be thrilled he texted you. It's really the very least he could do.
So flippin' true! Maybe that's what made me sad, mad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, unloved, lost, confused... Yet, I was relieved and felt like I could build on it with the request for him to celebrate with me. In part, this was an attempt of building on the offer to 'talk more' in our convo a couple weeks back. I took that at face value. I know better, don't I?
Originally Posted by Valeska19
When you get passed the pain - do you really want someone taking you out ONLY because you asked... My guess is no. But that "new truth" is hard to accept.
Yes, this truth is hard to accept AND, the truth that for the first time in decades, I was without H on my day stung. I feel like the suggestion to celebrate with me would fall under 'pave the way back to me'. Why do you not see my 'celebrate request' text fitting under 'paving the way'?
Because your pattern with your H has been you doing all the work. Can you see this is you begging for attention for him? Begging to still keep connected.
An alternative response to keeping the road home paved smooth could have just as easily been a "thank you".
Originally Posted by MamaG
Originally Posted by Valeska19
I would look deeper here. Is it perhaps that want to "forgive" in order to not lose the marriage? What if I told you that you can forgive and still move forward separate from H. Take the time to sit in all the uncomfortable feelings around this. Don't push yourself to forgive w/o FIRST allowing the anger that comes before it. Anger tells us something is going against our values. Listen to them.
This made me pause. I don't know why I'm forgiving. Intellectually, I know forgiveness is for me. For me to be able to feel a bit lighter. Less angry. Could it also be in part tied to the thought of not losing the M? Perhaps. I realize that I can't control his decision on our M, so I suppose there isn't a correlation between forgiveness and path forward that H decides on. Yet, if I don't forgive, H won't attempt to return. H avoids BIG time. Doesn't like conflict. Avoids conflict!
So he does! That is not something for you to fix MG! His avoidant behavior is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Forgiveness and acceptance is not about tolerating a sh!tty behavior from your H. It's not saying "his avoidance behavior is okay". It's about surrendering to it.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Assuming H loved me through the years and H's love for me is now buried, is this where cycling stems from? Meaning, the touch-n-goes over the summer was 'his love for me' surfacing and then back into the fog and burying the 'love' by not reaching out for a week or so?
Is there a thread that you can recommend that would help me understand?
Originally Posted by MamaG
Is a midlife crisis a mental illness? Demons entering our life to divide us? One of these? Both? Neither? What do you make of it?
No. A midlife crisis is not a mental illness. A mental phenomenon for sure but not a disorder or a diagnosis.
But even if it was.... it doesn't make a d@mn bit of difference.
MG - you gotta stop trying to look for answers. You won't find them. It is just a cheeseless tunnel. And all the info in the world won't change your situation. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It won't make you choose yourself any more.
Over the next few weeks - I'm gonna challenge you to really stop asking so many why questions about H and turn them into "I" questions about you.
What do you want in a relationship? What's in your power to make that happen? How do you accept your H's choice that he doesn't want that with you? How do you accept that these weak attempts by your H is not actually about keeping ahold of YOU... it's about him keeping something that only benefits him.
Let your H fall. Stop catching him by allowing false connection. Allow yourself to take the space to feel the pain and grieve your marriage.
It would truly be the most loving thing you could do for you... and him.
