Right now, I can't rationalize texting H or not texting for bdays / holidays.
Yep, it’s so very counterintuitive, at the beginning.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Had I not asked here, I would have rationalized that I should provide a HBD text as he did (seeing as it's a short time apart). Thanksgiving/Xmas seems easier for me to accept no text unless I get one. Even still, the recommendation is to not respond. Can you give me the 'why'? What's the reason? rationalization?
There are quite a few “reasons”. First, let’s talk about the most important reasons, the ones regarding you.
Detachment!
Detaching. Lovingly detaching. Allows you to see things more clearly.
No manipulation. Do not manipulate H’s path. Any efforts to speed things up, usually prolong the crisis, or worse derail things even further and stalls it out. And it already progresses at a glacier’s pace.
Also, you do not want/need the responsibility of H’s crisis/life/choices/outcome upon your head. Let H’s decisions/outcome be all his own! You don’t want to live with those demons.
H needs to feel the loss before he may start to turn back. Be pressure-free. And such.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I do know that I DON'T want to forgive AND still move forward separate from H. Yet it takes two to stay M.
Don’t tie these together. It increases confusion for you. Keep them separate.
Are you willing to continue moving forward? Are you willing to live separately from H? Are you willing to forgive H? Are you willing to forgive yourself? Are you willing to, still want to, remain married?
Originally Posted by MamaG
Yet, if I don't forgive, H won't attempt to return.
There are many factors in H’s crisis, and how/if/when he progresses through it. Or exits it. Your forgiving of him, will likely have little effect upon his finding acceptance. Or attempting a return.
Some LBS found that once their MLCer realized they were forgiven, the MLCer’s efforts to “prove themselves” diminished.
His crisis has nothing to do with you. He has to get through his crisis, and then you two can work on your problems.
Unforgiving will have an effect upon reconciliation. However, that is not the here and now.
And unforgiving with have an effect upon you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Assuming H loved me through the years and H's love for me is now buried, is this where cycling stems from? Meaning, the touch-n-goes over the summer was 'his love for me' surfacing and then back into the fog and burying the 'love' by not reaching out for a week or so?
You bet!
The folks are lost souls. Such confusion within them. They run, fast and hard. Yet, they cannot escape/outrun themselves. Some slow for a breather, feel their old lives, reach back, and peek out of the tunnel. Then, they get stirred up, scared, and run again.
Realize it’s not you H is running from. H peeks back at you. Feels some old feelings. Has some calm even, which allows more of his torment to surface and apply itself again. Then off he goes.
Each touch and go is part of his journey. Is helpful. And so confusing for the LBS. The MLCer is not done baking yet. They need more time. Letting go is crucial for the LBS. Detachment is crucial.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Is there a thread that you can recommend that would help me understand?
There are many threads from wise posters. I’ll point towards a few of the sticky threads in this forum.
So much good info, I could have posted all of them. lol. The “MLC Resource” thread has links to many other good threads too. Someday I’m going to go through it, and others, to clean it up a bit, as some of the links are broken due to various purges of data.
I’m glad to see son is opening up a bit. Keep being his and daughter’s rock. Their strong stable parent.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I still pray for H and that He help H through this journey we're both on.
Let go. Give H to God.
It’s H’s journey, and you thankfully weren’t invited. You have your own journey.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Is a midlife crisis a mental illness? Demons entering our life to divide us? One of these? Both? Neither? What do you make of it?
Yes it is a mental illness. And it is very divisive and destructive.
As for demons. Yes. Be them actual or manifested within matters not. There are demons tormenting the MLCer! Absolutely!
As every coin has two sides. There is also light. There is healing. There is a path out. Hopefully, they can start to hear and see it.
There are forces at work. Dark forces. Light forces. As LBS, embrace and walk in the light. Let it shine. Let it influence. That’s my take on how to battle this.
