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Thank you Grok. This is hard. You've been there. You know how devastating this is.
Only thing to do now is work on me, work on letting go. Plan an H-less future. Try to come to terms with the fact that H isn't a good guy, or at the very least, he's not a good H.
I'm beginning to see this separation as a tremendous gift. It has allowed me to discover what I needed to discover in order to move on, and has given me the blessing of space and time to process and plan in total solitude. It has allowed me to truly understand the reality of what has been happening vs. my skewed/wishful thinking that H would somehow take his leave, come back, and be ready to start fresh. I have come to realize that he took this break not to think about things and work on our marriage, but to see if things will work out with OW/AP. He has been cake eating all this time. I have no idea how I would be doing this if H were still here.
I still have feelings for H, as is quite common among us LBS. I have made an embarrassingly long list of all the things he did that hurt me in our marriage, along with how that made me feel. Reading it, I'm ashamed that I stayed, and I'm incredibly thankful that I finally have the guts to D. I wish it had not come to betrayal, but that is what it took for me to finally wake up. I look at the list when I need a reminder of why I need to D and it helps. I haven't yet internalized it. I'm still clinging to what was, or what I hoped for.
Despite his devious and malignant behavior, I still see him as a broken little boy looking for mommy (which doesn't make for a great spouse), and I feel bad for him. I was with him for half of my life, and I've known him for more than 2/3 of it. I will know him for the rest of it, since we share two children. Having read those journals, I got an insight into some of his pain. This is not an excuse but he sought validation/self acceptance from OW/AP and it's sad that he was broken enough to do that. This is why I sent him that book.
I was tested for all STDs and thankfully all negative. Low risk since it's been over a year w H but I know he was with her prior to that.
On boundaries - they are the only thing that we can control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. I had really lost sight of mine and was letting him walk all over me in some futile hope that he would/could love me.
