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I was just starting to feel better and back to normal, when today I found out more.
I realized that I have access to H's calendar so of course I looked at it.
Oh yes, that snooping. And when you find what you are not being told. A real gut punch. I ... was not myself for a couple of months.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
The only way I would even consider taking him back is if he had a complete come to Jesus moment and was able to truly work on himself and be 100% truthful with me. So far, I see no evidence that that will happen, aside from some regret in his voice when we talk. I would like to think that H feels some sort of shame for treating me this way, but maybe he doesn't.
And when you compare Sandi's list of what it requires to reconcile, you realize just how far away from current reality ... that dream is.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
After work, I got in my car, screamed 4 times, cried, and then I talked to my sister on my drive home. Then I got one of his surfboards, wrote 'CHEATING LYING [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]' all over it and then hacked at it with a pickaxe. I feel better now.
Do it some more. And let it out. You have to, in bits. My sister told me she used to go for walks in the forest and "whack every tree with a big stick... my hands hurt after but I felt better for a while."
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
I know none of this is in the spirit of DB, but what I take from the book and from this group is the idea that I do have some control. That I can be intentional about my actions. That by being intentional, I can benefit. That I am not helpless in an otherwise horrible situation.
No, I'd say it is in the spirit of DB. You have defined conditions/boundary under which a R can work for YOU. Making your changes and maybe they will want to come along for the journey. It is not about waiting around forever.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
I'm really scared about how this is going to work out financially
Fear. Yes, I have had it. Less now. Though financially this will set me back 10+ years. Half of our combined assets. One more year of 25% of my income to alimony (I'm looking at it as paying for my kids private teacher...thanks my sister for that frame!).
Litany Against Fear - Dune by Frank Herbert
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Face the fear. Let it flow through and go. YOU remain.
It is not what you (I) wanted or ever imagined ... but your future is calling!
Faith
Future's Calling - Apollo LTD
Is anyone out there? Is anyone listening? Is there any path to understand Or is it just a mystery? ... Hello human Hello suffering It's hard to reconcile what is And the way it was meant to be But something's about to givŠµ Standing on the brink ... I know you're lonely And you're broken-hearted Always fighting to find your way You're barely holding on, holding on, holding on All you need is just a little faith The future's calling your name
