Stay strong grok, i feel like im on the same boat as you. Its true, while a death is hard to process emotionally, losing a spouse you've spent your whole life together and built a partnership with, it is one of the most painful and devastating losses one can experience.
Most of my adult life for sure...Met in 1998 on my first military assignment. To me it always seemed to be it was by the hand of God. For those who don’t know, much of the US military has an unofficial tradition of assigning a peer to new incoming personnel as their “sponsor.”
That day I heard the duty officer asking around “where is LT X? He’s the designated one for any incoming this week. We have a newbie at the gate. “ “Sir, he got called out for site Y’s issues. He won’t be back for like 16 hours “ “Well s*** @:&$;”
Also traditional, whoever is within arms reach of the person doing the assigning is going to get the duty.... Smart youngins try to be out of sight... I wasn't as smart at the time.
"Hey G! Drop what you have going and go get the new LT at the gate. You know the drill." This includes all the paperwork for various departments, helping set up appointments to meet various levels of command, organizational overview and introductions, AND you are expected to be the social facilitator to all the peers and their various social activities.
I go to the gate and realize the newbie is female. I like her shape 🙂. And over that day realized we have a lot in common. Huh...I'm expected to be her social coordinator for a while ... Built in dates ? I took her to first hang out with my friends...a married pair of LTs who in time were our best man and maid of honor.
Originally Posted by catman19
It’s a lingering pain, you that you know you will have to live with whether it be ever present or a nagging thought or emotion in the back of your subconscious.
It sits there in the dark. Inside. Her sun become a tiny black hole. Originally threatening to consume me. Now it is still there, muted and isolated from the rest of me... I chose to grow faster than it could consume. To detach and not provide it with anything to consume and grow. Perhaps it will extinguish one day as I process it bit by bit. Perhaps it will be there but not matter with a full and joy filled life.
Originally Posted by catman19
I too like you am nearing the end of half a lifetime with someone. Even thinking about the final stroke of the pen can bring a sudden feeling of a loss of ones own self being. Just know that I am rooting for you and that you come out of the other side of this with your head held high and a sense of relief of an end to that chapter.
I GET it. You give of yourself to become ONE. The death of that ONE is a form of loss of ones own self being. The discussion of co-dependance and self differentiation in marriage is put aside for another day.
There has been some form/sense of relief with the final signature. Still the actual asset division to finish. Lingering threads...
Originally Posted by Cadet
Have faith you will be reborn
Life will go on and all will be CUTE again
I have FAITH! And absorbed wisdom here ... There are no shortcuts. It will take the time it takes. Doing the work.
Originally Posted by dunnm
You are the man
Embrace it (((hugs)))
I take the meaning to heart. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. I, the MAN, am here though. I will embrance and own who and where I am.
Originally Posted by MrP
Hi Grok, as Mama suggests, I'm not sure I've got the right words so will just say that you have a community here for continued support. Take time to mourn the loss (some say it can be second only to experiencing a death), do good things to care for yourself, and continue re-booting your individual life to the best extent possible. All the best, P.
Thanks MrP, I'm still working on balancing work, care for self, and time for the kids. I think this will be a continuous process 🙂 Feeling the loss...well... I let myself feel each day as I encounter parts where I would have had a wife to be part of it.
Originally Posted by Cadet
I personally think it’s worse not second because in death you are sure there is no recovery whereas in this case you might think their is hope.
Of course there really is none which you have not yet figured out.
That is when true detachment occurs.
A side observation on hope and detachment. One thing snooping did accelerate for me was detaching. Because it removed hope. I could SEE her pledging herself to OM. It was True Love (TM). They were Twin Flames (TM). And many other 14 year old girl SQUEEEEE. From wisdom here and elsewhere...Limerence + PEA addiction meant that from some nebulous future NC it would be at least 18 months to go back to neutral. And still have to go through the stages of both the loss of marriage and loss of OM.
