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Yes. Our spouses have expressed this is how the FEEL...RIGHT NOW. I don't believe they are lying. The hard truth is they do not FEEL “in love” with us right now. The FEEL like they will have a better life not married to us.
Feelings are transient though. They change based on our thoughts and actions. Before you were married he did not FEEL “in love.” Then you did things together and that changed.
The word “just” implies these feelings happened out of nowhere and stand alone….they “just” happened.
They didn’t. Loving feelings come from doing loving things together over time. They disappear by not doing them. Cribbed from Dr. Hartley’s books.
I wasn’t trying to imply a sequence of things, though that can be a useful framework. Heh, this is what happens when I put thoughts down quickly and skip parts of my thoughts. We used to tell our children “NO Justs or Buts” when they talked to us. LOL. I meant that deleting the word “just” will let you see the rest of the story. The various reasons leading up to those feelings.
There may be some MLC going on (reliving lost youth or perceived missed ?). AND An OW will block feelings for you until that is closed off. AND Job loss -> depression. (Especially for men. Job and providing gives identity and purpose) AND …
And no, my STBXW has given no indication of wanting to work on anything. Her emotions aimed at OM override everything. To the point of her remaining effectively his secret online mistress.
Your H? I don’t know.
I saved a post, somewhere, from one of the regulars. One of a bunch on what it takes for the WAS to move toward reconciling. They will have to go through the stages of loss for the OW/OM, then the stages of loss for OUR M, then will be able to do the work…IF they choose to at that point. Sobering. And why the timelines are so long.
Which leads to
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Act as if:
So many times we see the WAS come screaming back when it's too late.
If you want a chance to fix your marriage, accept that it's dead in its current form.
If you want a chance to fix your marriage, change the man she left.
Figure out who you are, separate from being a husband and a father.
Figure out what you want.
Live your life accordingly.
Believe me, she will notice.
No one comes back to what they left behind.
If they wanted more of that, they wouldn't have left in the first place.
Figure out what you want.
Figure out who you are.
Live your life accordingly, without her factoring into any of that.
