H’s behaviour and lack of acknowledgment and conversation towards your birthday certainly suggests how self consumed he is. His the day after announcing that he has withdrawn $100K so he can move out confirms it. (IMO)
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I'm getting more of a guilt read here. He knows it was my birthday, he gave me a card! And purposely avoided me all day. He just didn't want to face me and all his shame about what he has done.
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H says he appreciates what you are trying to do regarding the debt. Notice: what “you” are trying to do, not what “we” are trying to do.
Yep, what *I* am trying to do. In this R, there isn't much "we." H has no part in the finances and that's fine. Everyone is bad at something and he's horrible at managing money. I said "I" because I am managing the process. He's on board for the most part, and I think he sees that $100K as not counting because it's from his retirement account. More punting. "Who knows what's going to happen with the stock market. It could go to zero. I might not make it to retirement" etc. Excuses!!! And lame ones to boot. It's an idiotic decision which in and of itself has increased the likelihood that I will want to initiate D.
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H makes twice your salary. He promises - ah, more words. Believe none of what they say, and only fall of what they do. He promises to keep depositing into the joint account, and yet somehow fund a second residence and his life. And there are kids, college, and such yet to account for. And you!
His double your salary along with your’s didn’t get you two moving out of the red. How is another household and all the expenses going to help? Even if his “is the grass greener” experiment goes well, he (and you) is $100K further in debt.
Well - a couple things here. First of all, money has always been an issue. I am a saver, he is a spender, and - shocker - he's kind of immature sometimes and wants what he wants. He's not much for compromise. H had to take a 20% salary cut recently which was significant and it was THEN that I had to put my foot down and start managing things way more closely.
Secondly - my plan is to divert a certain amount from our household operating budget back to him -anything that's a "unit cost" like food, gas, clothing, haircuts etc - anything we would be paying for anyway. His "get laid" money will cover anything incremental like extra rent and utilities and all that. He is even talking about getting another car. I told him if he does that, the insurance is on him too. I would also ask that he relinquish our joint credit cards and would not be able to return to the household without a zero credit card balance. I will also put this in writing and have him sign it.
Thirdly - if he were the kind of person who discussed these things ahead of time, we wouldn't be in this situation, would we?
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It takes a long time for these lost souls to realize that family and love doesn’t just grow on trees, or found on any random street corner. It takes effort and investment and sacrifice and commitment and responsibility and accountability and such. MLCers are running from that stuff.
It sure does. H knows this, and H also knows he doesn't have it in him to commit to any of it right now. Well, I guess that's good for him, but sooooo crappy for the rest of us. And let's be clear: I may not be perfect, but I have my life together. There is no reason (like substance abuse, mental health, financial irresponsibility or anger issues) for him to leave. He is going to find out soon that he misses having his dinner cooked and his laundry washed and folded.
My sister asked me what I get from him besides money and I said he can reach up high and lift heavy things. It's certainly not things like support or companionship, or even really helping out around the house much. That's on him. He has been pushing me away for a long time, and I honestly just didn't want to face that reality. My confidence that he will come back as the man I need him to be is very low - especially if he continues to make decisions in a vacuum.
