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A better week this week! I am feeling much better physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Yes. Yes, I'm totally good with me and have never been all that invested in what anyone else thinks. This has gotten me in trouble a few times - you have to make a good impression!


^^This is what I've been focusing on this week.^^

A friend invited us to her house for the 4th - H was invited as well but I told her he probably wouldn't come. I let him know that I was going to attend and he was welcome to join, but I pretty much knew he wouldn't. Yesterday, I let him know what time I was leaving and was expecting him to say he wasn't coming and I was right, he didn't come. Knowing that he was probably not going to attend, I wondered to myself if I would have a better time with or without him - did I really WANT him to attend?

I realized that it's not that I wanted him to attend - it's that everyone else's H was attending and I didn't want to be the only one without an H there. That was my issue. My friend who hosted knows we're having trouble, so I just told everyone else he was golfing and that was that. I had a great time and I did not miss H one bit. Many times I have a worse time with him than I do without him.

H spent the day cleaning out the tool shed (which might be routine for a lot of guys but NOT my H... he never does stuff like that). Acts of service are definitely a love language for me. I don't think he did it in service but he did mention it. H also didn't eat too well but I got to have hamburgers and yummy picnic food.

H did come with me to watch fireworks but didn't even get out of the car. We could see the fireworks from the car, but I got out to talk to someone I knew and he didn't even get out to say hello. Nor did I ask him to - I just let him be. If he wants to be that way it's his problem.

I would venture to say that H has been slightly nicer and more communicative.

• He went to the neighbor's house and texted me to let me know.
• He went out tonight with his friend and said goodbye before he left.
• Earlier today I was in the bedroom folding laundry and he came in there and lay down on the bed while I was doing my thing. He didn't have to be in there with me. He chose to.
• I gave him a subscription to NY Times games for Father's Day and now we can actually talk about that together. It's a point of engagement.
• I texted him tonight something to do with S18's college while he is out on his man date and he actually texted back.
• I have an important meeting on Monday and I asked him if i could use his home office and he said "of course". (I work from home on Mondays and my desk is in the kitchen, which is not easy with 2 boys constantly in and out of the refrigerator. One time, I was on a call and H came in and started running the blender!!!!!)

On the other hand, on Wednesday I asked him a simple question and he didn't respond and when I asked him if he had heard me, his response was "I don't feel like talking to you right now." I let him know that that is no longer going to fly with me.

Next Friday is my birthday and I have plans to go to the beach and then to go out and see some comedy with a friend. I haven't mentioned any of this to H and he hasn't said anything about my birthday. I figured I'd get ahead of the game instead of setting myself up for disappointment. I went ahead and quietly bought myself the gift that I would have asked him for. (I might buy myself another one too!)

And I'm working on setting up GAL all over the place... lots of people looking for friendship and things to do, as it turns out. I got asked to participate in a craft fair at the end of the month. I even got inspired to send my headshots to a modeling agency specifically for 50+ women with grey hair. (Yes, I fit that bill). One of the women at the party yesterday is a grey hair model now and she loves it. I checked out the website and these are just ordinary women - some beautiful, some not. Some skinny, some not. Some tall, some not. WHY NOT?

So coming around full circle, it matters not what H thinks/feels. My therapist and I are working on building my life back up around ME. It feels really empowering!