I've been GALing (keeping occupied more than having fun) so much that I haven't had the oppty to check-in here. I looked forward to today so that I could sit and feel, as I knew plans for today were lighter and would allow for this update. Is it strange that I wanted to sit and update this forum? It's therapeutic and I look forward to the input, responses, empathy and 2x4s. It really helps to not feel alone. I've stopped venting and sharing with friends/family. I don't feel like they agree with DBing. They often remind me of Catholic principles and that they don't fully align with DBing. It becomes a struggle and adds to my confusion on how to behave, respond, be a person. The overthinking needs to go out the window for me to keep my sanity. One day at a time.
Please know and believe that despite some focused dialogue on my H (below), I know it's getting easier and GALing really is helping. Still, I have moments of focus and a heavy desire to understand.
Valeska19, I took your suggestion and read up on Detachment. Even though it wasn't my first time reading it, I learned a lot. Here is what came to light: 1 I'm bored: our lives revolved around each other. Meals, activities, events, outings, everything. So much action that kept us busy and going....and when there was no action, we still had each other to share Netflix (and loved it). I'm GALing but haven't found the thing that can really consume me and my happiness. Feel like I could do a better job here. Codependency didn't feel wrong and I need to learn that it's unhealthy - I'm still not there. Either way, I really enjoyed our time together regardless of what we were doing/not doing. Perhaps I still miss him. On the codependent front, it's hard to believe how many of us (LBS) have so much going for ourselves. The MLCer tends to bring less to the table, yet are the ones to walk away. SMH, in disbelief.
2 I'm hurt, mad, angry, betrayed: we worked so hard all our lives and shared dreams that we either accomplished or were working towards. These are common feelings shared on this board but admitting to it and feeling the emotions is needed. I'm still hurt, mad, angry and feeling betrayed.
3 I'm disappointed: feel like I meant nothing to him despite giving so much of myself (willingly) for a common goal. While I know that I meant (maybe even still do mean) a lot to H, I was fired as a W (ouch). I know how much I brought to the relationship and am in disbelief that between the two of us, it is him who walked. I know I'll make it, but hate needing to.
4 H is everywhere, but nowhere in physical form: photos in house, belongings everywhere, wedding band on my finger (and his). My surroundings haven't changed. I was able to look the other way (or at least I thought) but it seems I'm struggling as I try to make the effort to detach. It's real and I'm feeling the emptiness and hurt feelings of his absence, followed by texts from his boomerang style that derail me. How do I not let H control my emotions?
Of note, I know the jury is out on whether the vanisher or the boomerang style is 'easier' to live through. I really don't know - just thought I'd validate the confusion. I'll take the third option - neither, please!
I want to work on - suggestions welcomed: 1 Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
2 Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
3 Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to me to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Yes, I continue to feel out where/how we got here. Hope that my interest in understanding will subside more as I move towards acceptance. BD1 was 16 months ago but we lived 'happily ever after' for 6 months before BD2 which was nearly 9 months ago. I've been very tolerant and understanding and something has to change - 180s I suppose.
MrP's thread had two comments that spoke to me - I'm documenting for myself, as I read my own thread from time to time: 1 I'm trying to balance detachment and upholding boundaries for my well-being with the core ideas behind DBing related to exploring a potential shift towards R, piecing, etc. if this truly has the potential to move in that direction. 2 Sometimes the greatest act of letting go is letting the person learn their own lessons. Allowing someone to sit in their struggles and suffering without saving the day is what will not only teach them lessons, it will leave them with an understanding of how to apply them.
MA's thread had comments that summarize my situation well (my thoughts in parenthesis): 1. The relationship worked because we were co dependent. I felt adored & validated, which kept me in a stuck position of (I would finish this sentence with: putting up with edibles and the aftermath, lazy parenting, gaslighting, conflict avoidant personality, no vision/foresight, completing honey-do lists but not compiling the list, fulfilling household responsibilities while working FT, mothering him, getting H out of responsibility and pickles.) We provided each other safety and security. (I loved it...maybe H didn't. Detaching is helping me see this. I'm a fixer and thrived on solving H's problems, issues, dilemmas, etc. Is it strange that although I reflect, I still crave H and don't see this as a reason to turn away?)
2. He continued throughout to throw snippets at me that I would grab hold of & read too much into. The lovely vets on here would warn me & I eventually started to really listen. It took probably 4 months from BD before I stopped my doormat & spying behaviors. (It took me 6 months before I stopped spying and I'm still really learning to not be a doormat).
3. I struggle to stay present & my mind keeps wandering to the future.....H has been crazy throughout, proper mid life distress and angst. (My H continues to drink, enjoy edibles and porn (his EA), randomly reaches out to kids).
4. I've got the most amazing friends & family that have supported me. H is less lucky, he doesn't have the same support network as me. His family aren't interested & H has few friends (albeit, H has close and long term friends. Hope they're doing him and our M justice).
Now that I've documented some things for myself, I could use some insight on a few things: H had money management issues when we started dating ... clearly nothing has changed. H's crisis may in part be him needing to prove he can do it without me. I remember H's mom having to take over his finances between 18 and 21 bc he just didn't (not couldn't) do it. And, silly me, took it over from his mom as he moved in with me. H never had to figure it out.
One thought surfaced. H income and my income were 'ours' - one family acct - since we were engaged. I'm suspecting that this contributed to H feeling controlled. Until recently, I don't recall H being bothered that I earn more than him - perhaps this has bothered him through the years. Interestingly, the story H tells when sharing the news that we're separated is, "I bought a house and moved out". This reinforces (to me) how much my income has bothered H. Is H stroking his ego and proving that he earns ample by 'buying a house)? Does H need to prove to himself that he can make it on his own and doesn't need me? After all, H moved in with me at 21.
H also suffers from self-esteem issues which comes as no surprise for a MLCer. While I wouldn't call H heavy, there are body parts that he struggles to make lean. I've always complimented specific body parts that I love about H and lately H has been flaunting them. And, simultaneously, has expressed interest in the gym, yoga, marathons over the last 6 months. I know weight has been an issue since he was very young. As a child, H struggled to keep weight off and keep up with running exercises required for sports. That said, H has turned into a well built and toned man whom he knows I'm attracted to. Areas of concern for him, I don't comment on. Alternatively, I eat LOTS of everything and have an unbelievable metabolism - always maintaining a healthy body weight/BMI with little effort. Could this bother H? Is H still healing from the kids who picked on him many decades ago? Are there things I can avoid doing/saying?
For those who have followed my story, I've had some medical issues that H insisted he see through with me. I continue to ask why this is important to him - can anyone here shed any insight?
Medical visits have subsided, providing for no deliberate need to get together. While we were seeing each other a lot over the last 9 months, we enjoyed each others company, held hands often, hugged regularly, kissed on occasion and enjoyed some intimacy. Each visit provided for an increased comfort. What impact do frequent visits have on a MLCer and their path? Did they hold him back from feeling my loss? Make H reconsider the separation desire?
On the flipside, the appts provided us with a view into each others thoughts and whereabouts. In theory, we let each other down easy/slowly. All the while, pulling at my heartstrings.
Since surgery 2 weeks ago, H reached out via text several times. Responses to H have been deliberately delayed and short (DBing) and I have been crying through each response to him. Partially bc I'm disappointed that my delays are measured in hours and not days as is recommended here. And, in part bc I want to engage H and go back and forth with him for hours but I don't. Sigh
Outreaches from H after surgery: 1 day after: "how are you feeling" 3 days after: "just checking to see how you're feeling" 4 days after: "how are you feeling? did you poop yet" 8 days after: How are you doing? any word on results" 12 days after: How are you doing? hope it's getting better"
After a short response from me (dismissive for my style), here is what H came back with: 1. That's good news 3. That's great 4. That's great. try to back off the meds (has no idea how many meds I'm taking) 8. Maybe walk for a bit and not sit so much. Don't back off meds too much 12. That's great news. Take it slow. Just bc you're feeling better doesn't mean you're back to normal.
I suspect H cares and is trying to show it - reasons unknown. It wasn't obvious at first but after Day8's direction from H, I concluded that H is in the business of providing advice to me. This is a 180 for him. It wasn't H's style to invest thought so that he could provide direction. Unless I asked for input, which didn't always get provided, I figured it out no matter what 'it' was. Is it shame/guilt/something else behind H's advice? Why else could these comments be flowing my way? And, is this how we define a clingy boomerang?
Of note, I haven't reached out to H in quite some time, possibly a month or so's time. H has been reaching out to me and I've responded each time. H has used surgery has reason for recent outreaches, but today, H sent a subsequent text that is not about my health/recovery. H was thinking about a spring task that is generally completed mid-June and asked when H could come to take care of it. With previous guidance from here, I responded with "Thanks for the offer. I already have someone lined up to take care of it." This is the first time that I've turned him down. The first time I showed him that I'm not sitting on a rocking chair at the front porch. The first time H considers that I don't need him. His emoji response said it all to me - H was surprised, hurt, confused, wondering who will do it, wondering if I'm moving on..... Despite knowing that this is a good thing, I cried and then did some more crying. Yes, I'm proud for finding the strength to do it, yet so sad to close him off. Man do I love him and miss him. While a small step for many here, declining H took EVERYTHING I had. Some of me feels like I'm giving up. I will look for more strength for the next outreach.
My response/decline to H today came from a few places - Catman's 'saloon door' comment, DnJ noting that H needs to feel my loss, DnJ's comment to give H enough time and space until he chokes on it....and the DB thought that if I stop chasing, perhaps H will do some chasing. While there were many drivers for my comment, it certainly felt wrong and it hurt. Tears were a part of that message while I told myself to feel good about doing the 'right thing'. And just like that, I set a boundary and did a 180. still so counterintuitive. sigh, again. Thank you all for helping this stubborn girl find a way!!
In case my update isn't confusing enough, I feel compelled to tell you that something continues to draw me to H and our M. I'm assured that I haven't given up hope. But, I am tired.
I'll take the third option - neither, please!