Divorcebusting.com Forums Like Post

Hi again Mama I thought I would add a bit more after reading DnJ post. Can I just say DnJ is an absolute guru and lifesaver and along with a few other regulars on here they were my absolute lifeline one year ago. You’re doing great. You’re like me you want to read and know and understand everything. We want to try and fix them. We can’t it takes a while to realise that.
My H is also 49.My H did the exact same thing with affection and touches and hugs and then would say in the next moment “ nothings changed I don’t love you anymore”. It’s the cycling. It’s the roller coaster. It’s the monster that has taken then over and for 10 % of the time the man peeks out and you see the man you recognised. It’s horrible but don’t get too caught up in it. They are in absolute turmoil. I read a lot off old forums on here back in the day. A poster called HappyAgain experienced a MlC of his own and I remember reading about how his feelings for his spouse were locked away buried beneath the fog. They can’t access them. They are there somewhere and we get glimmers when the real man comes out and hugs us, but they are quickly shut down by their internal system( or that snotty green alien that is sitting behind the controls at their brain). Somehwere else I read an amazing story of a woman who wrote about all of her mlc. How she felt like she was in a block of ice and it took a lot of time for the ice to crack and those buried emotions to come back to surface. They were always there just frozen in that time. It was very fascinating reading this stuff. I can’t remember where but I did so much reading.

I’ve always wondered about H upbringing and what happened. His family too aren’t overly close more polite conversations they have not gotten invoked at all (other than his older sister who I believe had her own mlc and a very mixed up life and is leading H further down the tunnel with ridiculous advice ). Just leave the family be. You can’t force family. Let them worry about him and intervene if they choose to do so. My H would be feeling so alone. He always used to dread having to speak to his family when we were together it was like a chore and he could never be bothered because. It was always boring polite conversation. Now he doesn’t have me to come home to or rattle on about work it must be a very lonely and miserable existence. Humans are designed for company. Not to be alone. It makes you realise just how messed up the whole withdrawal is that they remove themselves from the people that love them the most unconditionally in this world. They are in huge pain. Pain we would never know about.

I have to say about the affair DNJ has never been wrong. When I came to the boards I was saying the same thing there was nobody else H had said so and he certainly didn’t look like someone who had another person. It took 11 months post BD for me to stumble on something where he was sending snaps of himself to someone. At the time he said they were just friends and he is speaking to other women because we are over. Remember I said he was nasty to me when he was drinking. He went hell for leather blaming me constantly for the breakdown of our marriage and blaming me for every wrongdoing I did in our relationship. He made me feel so guilty and bad and I hated myself so much. Everyone kept telling me it’s not about me and not about what I had done in the past none of it. Sure enough this surfaced. And then just before he flew out he told me he actually had physical affair before Bd. The puzzle pieces all fell into place. The projected blame was his own guilt. He kept saying “ you’re going ro hate me you will never forgive me “. I never ever thought he would have come clean. He would have likely carried all of that with him nd it would have destroyed him. I found him telling me a huge step. He can’t see it but I hope it helps him heal and learn to work though his issues. Although only time will tell. He never would have come clean. I am not sure what happened that day that he felt he needed to tell me.
As for DnJ sexual abuse stuff I have always wondered something like that. My H always said he had big blanks in his memory of childhood. I always found that strange. He also said he just had a bad memory.many years ago before all of this we were talking about that and he made a comment about “ I always wondered if something happened to me as a kid which is why I can’t remember anything. Maybe even sexual abuse”. At the time I didn’t think too much about it but when this all unfolded it played a lot on my mind. Was that something his subconscious locked away and it’s all now coming out.who knows what happened behind closed doors with creepy uncles. Anyway again it’s not our place to know unless they unlock the door and let us in.But yes I too have a 49 yrs too MLC who it seems wants to look like he did in his 20s and re life his teenage years. Mine seems to be sitting somehwere around university years in his early 20s. Drinking, video games, moving out of home ( only difference being is his parents basically told him to move out and I didn’t) and chasing hollow dreams of living abroad. We used to always say we both wanted to work and live abroad for a year together and should have before kids. But we’re always going to do it once the kids were older and moved on in their adult life. H is just acting out his old dreams. We are just his colaterla damage.

At the end of the day I love what I have and I am so grateful every day for the little things. For being in my home raising my teenage kids and spending every second in their life. I have everything. Family, friends, laughter, joy. I miss my H, I miss his company I miss my best friend and intimacy but he is not capable of any of that right now. All I know Is I would never want to trade places with him and he in his shoes right now. His world certainly isn’t better than mine.

Keep going Mama. Live every moment of every day. Get out in the sun, get one good motivational self help books and walk and listen. Find a hobby, dress up go window shopping have a bath. Do all of the stuff that is for you and your healing. Take the focus off H and what he is doing and stop analysing his every move it will drive you bonkers trying to guess where he is. You never can.