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Hi MamaG no worries I will try and give as much info as I can and hopefully it helps. I first noticed H drinking increased, always after a stressful work day he would drink more and more and usually when the monster in him came out. After BD the monster would appear if I would push any R talks or talks about us and he would get angry and storm out. He was usually a low energy wallower and happy to sit at home and do nothing. A few months agter Bd he moved out but was around all the time then would retreat and do his own thing. Sometimes he joined us for outings other times not but always would have dinner with us would watch movies. Held my hand occasionally then would shut down and run away. The drinking didn’t stop. He would try and quit then drink again. He is definitely an avoider. Always hated facing things or was too lazy to. Would rather bury his head in the sand. He would say we have hope and then he would get drunk and yell at me. They say the anger is good to get out. He never ever yelled at me though our whole marriage and he spent all of last year treating me like absolute garbage and said the most hurtful words. When I discovered his affair he stopped monstering but didn’t admit the full extent t until the day before he left.
He made a knee jerk decision with the job in September and kept saying “ he hates his life he needs to go fix himself”. It really was a massive look at him and the turmoil he was in x there was no doubt at that point it’s a mlc, his whole personality changed so much. He had become someone I don’t recognise at all and he knows it. He looks to be filled with so much guilt and shame. All he talks about is how he’s old, how he’s fat, how he isn’t as wealthy as his sister, how the kids don’t like him for what he did. It’s like a massive pity party. He’s done all the damage and he knows it but won’t own it or apologise. He would monster at me at nights after a stressful day and drinking then come and apologise the next day unable to remember what he said. I never told him. It was bad. So bad. No woman should ever have to hear the words I hear and the old H would have absolutely hated any man that acted like this or spoke to a woman like this. That what’s makes me know he is someone else abducted. Mine wasn’t arrogant or trying to impress. He was a man that looked like he was just going through the motions of life without an ounce of joy or happiness or smiling. He would get up and tick the daily boxes of job, kids, drink. This was after bomb drop too and leading up. But it got worse after bomb drop. He got way worse. He was miserable. He took the job on a whim thinking it will fix his life he wanted to “ find himself because I have who I’ve become”. It’s like he knows there’s something wrong with himself then in the next breath if he is frustrated or drinking he blames everyone around him. It’s very jeckyl and Hyde. He would snap at the kids too. For no reason sometimes. It was draining
I can see now the best thing about him leaving my space was for me and the kids. What he was doing here he was making no progress in getting better. I thought the move and job change would have inspired him but after seeing him recently he is the same if not worse. His self esteem has completely gone.( probably hence the need to message and chase skirt). As far as I know he doesn’t have a proper affair partner the person he was embroiled with was married and he kept saying he had to get himself out of that mess and disappear. He admitted to chatting to women and likely where he lives now he bar hops looking for someone to get him off. It’s just chasing happiness externally rather than looking within. His problems have followed him and likely escalated two fold.

How do I know he is depressed withdrawn? Because this man never would have gone almost no contact with his kids, very little financial help, not even asking how anyone is or how I’m coping with the financials and kids and everything. He has zero care for anyone but himself. This man would have always looked after his kids at least and now he’s talking of buying a sports car ( he never ever was a car person). The contact has almost completely gone. Since leaving the damage he has done to his relationship with the kids is huge he can’t see it. I can see it in both of them. My daughter recently had her boyfriend break up with her and she was devastated and I could clearly see the lack of trust in men she had all stemmed from her dad. My son misses his male role model but luckily where I can’t step in as that my brother had absolutely nailed it in being the father figure H isn’t. He looked miserable a lot of the time we were with him for the week in Los Angeles. His anger would simmer and you could see it bubbling away he was miserable to be around ( both kids even noticed it) the energy is absolutely draining. I remained quiet for alot of it. You could almost see his brain ticking away constantly. I think he mainly works, sits behind a computer and plays video games with his high school mates and goes out and drinks. Very teenage life. Conversation with him is hard it’s almost like he can’t socialise. He can’t loosen up. He can’t have fun. He has no joy in him. He has aged so much since leaving the marital home and family life. He is by no means fat but obviously has major body issues within his head. He’s obsessed with feeling old.

I don’t think if he stayed he could have gotten better. I expected the move would help him but he seems to have gotten far worse. They say they get worse before better.
I would just take it day by day, there is no playbook. I thought H was coming out of it multiple times but boy was I wrong. MLC is the pits. It really is. I am 18 months in and as far as I’m aware it is a minimum 3-5 years. I don’t know what happens to them. What chemical imbalance there is. But some men are just terrible at dealing with mental health. I think my H is so ashamed of who he is who he has become and is running to bury his head in the sand and avoid anything and everyone and left a trail of destruction. If he stayed here and didn’t take the job he would not have got any better he was so stuck. By leaving it’s likely still the same but maybe not. They keep us completely out of the withdrawal stage. That’s how I know or think he’s in withdrawal. They keep their family completely out so they can sort themselves out. Whether he is doing any sorting or not who knows. The depression I can see. It’s so obvious the moods the low self esteem. He always looked so tired. The drinking to numb the emotions ( he def still drinks)
We can’t do a single damn thing for them Mama except be there if they want or need us. If they feel safe enough for us. I thought H felt safe enough with me but since he’s moved and gotten worse and withdrawn I now don’t even know who this person is.
It’s a long road. We can only hope they get themselves through but in the meantime not put our life on hold. H being here for all of 2023 showed he wasn’t getting anywhere. Let’s see what the move does long term but so far I can’t say I’m seeing much. I do know I was the best thing in H life and the kids. Sometimes they think the grass is greener in MlC and go chasing that life only to realise that it very much is just gross Hay. They have to live this path themselves. They got themselves in this mess with things that they buried in childhood and early life so now it’s come to the surface for them to heal. It’s really up to them
Just tread carefully no expectations. Keep living your life. Be grateful for every single day you have and for what you have. Grateful for the time with H. Even at his worst I still loved him so much and hated I couldn’t help him. That’s the worst part watching someone you love in such turmoil and pain.
We come to this board as complete messes and the H in so much strength very quickly the roles reverse and we rise and they spiral. My H was similar to yours after bd.Low energy wallower with clinging boomerang. The pattern was the same. He got social anxiety, was stressed and buried in work, as I said life itself was a chore. He couldn’t see the joy in life he hardly laughed normally it was all forced. I’ve seen glimmers of the real H but it quickly goes as the alien storms in. It’s horrible. MLC is horrible.they lose their memory. They become so irresponsible they forget who they are and were.
You asked if he didn’t move away would he eventually moved home? I think only if he faced his issues and worked through. The pattern would have still been the same the withdrawal the depression the acceptance and the working through. Maybe he would have maybe he wouldn’t have. I think it would have taken him longer. I think now he is living with the full reality of his pain and choices and can see his problems have followed him ( when me and the kids aren’t there). He still complains about his new job and new work people ( surprise surprise). He complains he hasn’t been as vigilant with the gym and getting his body right ( no surprise). He has all the time in the world with only himself to care for yet he still seems so stuck in a rut.

It’s a battle Mama.As good as I am and as much as I am enjoying new hobbies and kids and our life I miss my H so much. The old H not this MlC version. I still want to help him I still know if he let me in I could be his absolute pillar of strength and love when nobody else can. But he won’t and that’s just MlC they push everyone out. It’s how they grow it’s how they mature within themselves. They need to find their own tools through it. We can’t do it because otherwise it will repeat.
Ask away anything you want I will keep checking I have a bit of time up my sleeve now the next few weeks.