Although I hate your going through this situation, I love reading your story. It's written like a book, it helps me take my mind off of my situation at the same time it also has very helpful tips. Praying for you and your kids.
Thank you Whatlee for stoping by my thread. And thank you for the prayers. There are never enough. Gratitude. Please add my W to your prayers as much as me and the children, for as much as I am a damaged and stricken soul, so is she. Just in a different way. .
And the writing, well, it is a bit of how I think and feel, it is a bit of how I process, it is.to…express the intangibles…the subtle parts that won’t come through by dry facts or spewed emotions. Others may be able to SEE better the ME in the here and now, offer or gain help perhaps. As much as I gain…I hope others can read and gain as I have from others before me. Even when I can’t quite see it while in the middle.
A short story for you
Those little moments of Grief and Gratitude.
I got my hair and beard trimmed last week. I chose a barber shop this last year for the quirk that the nieces of the original barber took over after he died. These ladies have done a good job for me so I go back and tell them bits of my story as shop gossip. The lady this time, when hearing about how hormonal changes my be a contributing factor for my W and how they have affected other women I've asked about it, said, “Yeah, I’ve sometimes thought that I might just stay single now, so I never put someone I love though that.” What a sad thought. Grief.
As a GAL activity, I’ve been bike riding once a month with Critical Mass in the city. I now know Peter, Carl, Delores, and Alex. It’s in many cities, google it. On the last Friday of each month all comers are welcome for a ride though the city at night. About 12 miles at 10 miles / hour. As few as 30 people and sometimes more than 100! Last Friday I asked D19 if she wanted to go this time and got a yes. Ooooo have to hustle to get both bikes fastened, drive, unload, ride to the start gathering. We had a good time though she kept complaining about her legs. We got red and blue slushies on the way home at bed time. Gratitude
The kids had been asking that we go back to the beach soon. D19 wanted to go to a nice one about 1 hour and 20 minutes south of us. I said OK, but you all need to be ready on Saturday afternoon when S12 and I get back from his <scout like troop> activity. When I got home though, D19 was crying. “Daaaaadddd, my legs hurt. I can’t walk or stand even. They are cramping inside! I wanted to walk through the shops at the beach. I don't think I want to go.” Oof. Let me practice my absorbing waves of emotion skills. By the time I had packed all the stuff, and shown all the snacks I got for the trip, her desire to go was stronger than perceived leg pains. Besides, she wanted to be in charge of the music. Laughter and we sing to 1980s songs on the way. Gratitude.
After a successful time at the beach. And egging S12 to try and catch a fish swimming around us in the ocean. D19 took us to some local shops. Then got everyone an ice cream cone. And then before leaving took us to a pizza shop she knew of and bought us a pizza. What a wonderful gift. Me….after each stop… I noticed. 1, 2, 3, 4 of us. But. We are supposed to be 5. FIVE. 5. GRIEF.
Tears as I write this. The sense of wrongness tears at me.
“Let’s go home children, it is getting late.” D17, “Daddy, what’s wrong?” “I’m tired D17, and my eyes hurt from all the beach time salt and sun.”
~Afterward~
Sunday, I roused myself, did some breakfast things, dishes, and a load of laundry started. A little later roused all and made it to church. S12 to the young folks. D19 and D17 were on their once a month volunteer nursery duty. Five little ones to take care of that day. Me… off to patrol the church grounds every 20 minutes as head of the new “Safety Team.” Can't call it security...lawyers.
In my self-examination I listened to W’s previous complaints of not being more a part of the bigger whole. Participation. I have an intellectual bent and can happily contemplate all the meanings, translations, commentaries of the lessons without talking to a soul. So this year I asked the pastor where he could use help. A 180 I guess? He said they needed someone to head up a “safety team.” Someone who would be responsible for general safety and keeping a watch outward looking while every one else is inward looking. It’s not in my comfort zone, though I have not a doubt I can do it. I’ve rarely found anything I don’t think I could do. It is a matter of trade offs to me. Five volunteer men and me. We’re figuring it out. Gratitude
After, we went out to eat for lunch. W sent D19 some money for lunch. Apparently she meant to take the kids for lunch but something about misjudged the time and couldn’t make it. I paid the overage and told the kids to thank their mother for lunch. W seems to be missing many things because of last minute … reasons.
