If a specific post was interesting or useful to you, we recommend that you Like that post. It tells the post author, and others, that you found the information valuable. Clicking Like is another way to let others know that you enjoy it without leaving a comment.
Log in to join the conversation and Like this content.
Welcome to the boards. Do have a thorough read of the links in the welcome post.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis? Read it cover to cover, a couple of times. It’s excellent resource and guide.
Do keep the book, this site, and the DBing strategies and techniques to yourself. W will interpret such effort and info - sincere and authentic they may be - as you trying to manipulate her back into the fold.
Do make positive changes for you. That way those changes will become permanent. W will slowly start to believe in them and you in time. She (and you) has four years of past behaviour to move forward from. A month is a very short time to provide new and improved behaviour. And, in truth, it will take a few more months for it to become habit.
Of course, one cannot change, modify, alter, become their best self all at once. It’s life, a constant and continual growth and evolution. Embrace it. Do it. Live it.
Your marriage has hit a rough patch. No doubts there. And some positive news, W is still here. She’s not out the door. So divorce bust your butt off and seek personal help and counselling for your depression. You’ve got quite an uphill climb ahead of you. And it is totally doable.
Yes, your past actions, behaviour, and words were deplorable. I also agree with your W, that’s not the real you.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I try to fight having fear be my prime motivator but it feels near-impossible at times.
Fear is entangling and ensnaring.
A lot of life’s growth, especially DBing, is counterintuitive. It goes against what one feels to be right. Makes sense, after all, growth is one expanding into new unknown territory; so of course it would be counterintuitive. To that end:
One does not vanquish their fear. Rather make peace with it. Listen to it. Understand what it is saying. Understand why it is saying.
Understanding is rationalizing, and that lessens the emotional based fear response, by moving such events/triggers from the emotional realm to more the intellectual realm.
This stems from control. Your control. Realizing what you can control. Only three things: Your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions. Those three items are the only things that are within your direct control. You can affect a conscious purposeful action and/or thought.
A few examples will follow. First one.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Doing is a better mindset than trying. “Trying” predisposes one to giving success and failure of the task equal footing. “Doing” pre-charges one’s mindset with a successful completion of the task. One will “do” more efforts to accomplish the desired outcome. Look and listen to the language - Do complete vs try to complete.
Your mind is always listening and will craft your reality as you ask it to. Speak well.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I am trying, through this depression, to GAL and re-develop healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music.
How about:
I am working through this depression by embracing GAL and re-developing healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music.
I know that I need to work on myself for my own sake and for my son’s sake so that I can be a good father to him. But these things were so hard for me to work on due to depression even before the D bomb dropped.
“But” is another word choice that your mind is listening to and will make your way forward more difficult.
But usually ties to dissimilar items together. It also usually crafts a justification to not do or delay the known needed action or change. “I need to work on myself but…”. I think you’ll agree, that mindset is not the best recipe for success.
In DR, MWD speaks of imagining a big red stop sign to bring things to a halt. Run away emotions, cheeseless tunnels, getting lost visiting the past, etc. It is utilizing one’s direct conscious control to effect an alteration of our self. It can, and does, work.
When you find yourself thinking/feeling/blaming your depression for something - big red stop sign! Take control of that! Own it.
The benefits of such ownership and responsibility are multi-fold. For things that are within your control - you can control. I know, a rather obvious statement. Yet one that is usually unwittingly unrealized. Place that which you can control, within your control - otherwise it proceeds uncontrolled. And the former is much better, though responsibility and accountability does sting somewhat.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I know that step 1 is to get this depression under control so I can be in a place to work on myself to get a better place.
Good. Yes, work on you.
Originally Posted by CK0512
In the meantime, I am trying to just interact with my W as pleasantly as possible but to also keep my distance.
“Try”, “But”. I figure you’ll modify how you see this going forward.
Do be pleasant with W, and yourself. Sincere and authentic. The big thing, don’t partake in those previous behaviours and nastiness. It’s perfectly ok to feel them, for you cannot directly control your feelings. However, you do control your actions and words! Hold your tongue, remove yourself, when things start to boil over. In time, and practice, those difficult mediated actions become more and more habit, affecting your emotional state, and eventual become just who you are.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I am extremely confused by her behavior currently. Even though we have talked about things and she has recently said that “she doesn’t just want to give up” she has not yet explicitly said she wants to work on the marriage. My wishful thinking says that the way she is acting is not how someone who wants to get divorced acts, but I have learned not to trust my interpretation of things at all. I try to assume the opposite: that she is being nice and engaging with me in order to 'ease my fall' or something.
Do not assume the opposite, for you will behave according to that assumption. We all display small emotional behaviours and reflections all the time. Look to the positive possibilities. And focus on you, being the best version of you.
Originally Posted by CK0512
Regardless, do I just detach and emotionally move on? Or do I engage with these little ‘efforts’ that she is making even though I don't know her intentions? Is DBing the right approach here? I am afraid that if I just detach and work on myself, she will see that as me not caring about her. I always try to be respectful and kind to her now but, recently, I’ve started to subtly reject her when she acts like she wants a hug or wants to hang out with me, even though there is nothing I want more than to hold her and be near her. What’s the line for detaching/DBing but also meeting her needs? There’s a right balance to strike but my brain and heart are just mush. I don’t know what’s right anymore.
Big Red Stop Sign!
I get it. Lots of mush and not knowing which way to go.
Start with you. Become you. Your best version. A husband, a father, a man only a fool would leave.
Do not reject her. I think you’ve don’t enough of that previously. Divorce busting is about becoming better. And often that has some 180s in one’s behaviour. Sincere 180s.
Hang out with her when she wants to. Be sincere. Go slow. W will be testing to see if you are actually sincerely changing.
Above all, do your inner work. Find your way.
I look forward to conversing with you, and I hope this resonates with you.
