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I'm absolutely terrified of being alone, having never lived alone before and I'm at risk of becoming homeless with a flimsy support network around me. I felt worthless and I was seeking validation and comfort through the attentions of someone else.
A lot of folks have a codependent relationship. An excessive emotional dependence upon the other person. Seeking validation and comfort through someone else. Get to where you don’t need/seek that.
You are worthy and valid as a person. On your own! No external definition required.
Those that choose to be around you, and you choose to be around, will see that. Will know that. (It starts with you though.)
Fear of being alone. Flimsy support network. Risk of becoming homeless. Things you can, and should, work on. Focus on you. Focus on course correcting these. Take purposefully steps, logical rational steps to address these.
Take stock, and organize your life. Anyone can be taken from us at any moment. Not just divorce, affairs, MLC, and such; life is a terminal thing after all.
Figure out your finances. Can you, alone, pay the bills? Is H currently contributing?
Originally Posted by MistyDD
OW then returns at Christmas, he takes the first opportunity to go and see her, behind my back. I throw him out and he's in a new relationship the very next day.
I've got two heartbroken kids aged 11 and 13 who found out on Christmas Eve dad was leaving for someone else. He spent a week or so living in hotels and is now back home whilst we sort out the finances for him to move out. We don't own our home and he'll be moving into a room in a shared house.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
H is due to be moving out in a month or so.
If/when H leaves, have a legal separation agreement in place. You talk to a lawyer. Soon. Get information. Know where you stand, and what you’re entitled to. Get things organized and set up, so if/when you have to pull the trigger you’re ready to do so.
I suspect both you and H are working full time. Do you have a separate individual bank account? If not, get one started. Have your pay directly deposited into it. Pay things, your portion, out of your funds. Take charge of your finances.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
he then said he felt 'What option do I have, we can't go backwards?' and 'I've made my bed and I need to lie in it'.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
In quieter moments, he fully admits his guilt over the affair and can talk rationally, even admitting that it's entirely his problem that he can't see issues rationally.
During one of H’s lucid moments you could simply state: Yes, we cannot go backwards. However, we can go forward.
Just a wee statement. Something for H to maybe mull over. A flicker that all is not dark.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
But when the anger rises, as it usually does, he's straight back into defensive, childish mode, blaming and goading me.
Yep. Don’t take his bait. Just walk away.
Folks in crisis are emotionally driven and have the attention span of a gnat. Keep conversations short and to the point. And even then, expect zero.
Unmet expectations lead to resentments. And resentment is acid to a relationship. H currently will not meet expectations. Dial your expectations to zero. Even negative expectations. For example, if you expect H to not do something you ask, like he always does, forgetting or ignoring or whatever. Yet, this time he actually does it. That unmet expectations - albeit the outcome was a positive one - leads to an internal resentment towards H.
Expect nothing is akin to expect anything. A pretty good viewpoint to have when dealing with a MLCer.
