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Welcome to the boards. How old are you, H, and kids?
I will copy Cadet’s welcome post (below) for your reference. There are many links to a trove of useful and helpful information. Please do invest into, and take time, reading them.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? If not, I’d do so. Also do not share the book, or your divorce busting efforts with H, as he will “presently” see any efforts as a form of manipulation to try to win him back. As you have already witnessed.
Most relationship saving, divorce busting advice and suggestions are “at first” highly counterintuitive. The advice will feel wrong. It will sound wrong. This is rather commonplace, and truly makes sense when one thinks about; after all one is embroiled within their situation so tightly and fearfully will not let go.
The quickest and best way to possibly saving your marriage is in the opposite direction.
Originally Posted by MiaRob
Help me save my marriage. Plz.
There are many kind and compassionate posters with much hard-earned wisdom.
Originally Posted by MiaRob
please no suggestions on If we are toxic xyzzz, I know he is my person and deep down we both are amazing people and we have had good times alot of them too, I feel like this is a very rocky phase since a year for sure bcz we were progressing well.. its like it was slow, but wasn't going worse
Originally Posted by MiaRob
Help me plz. There's gotta be something I can do.
Mia, remove your road blocks. There are some difficult suggestion and viewpoints you need to hear. It is perfect normal to deny and be fearful of the reality of one’s situation. However, to truly go forward, to truly find peace and contentment, to truly find you, to truly give your marriage the best chance at restoration, you need to be open to hearing the advice. In the end, you know your situation best, and will apply whatever advice or suggestions resonates with you or you deem appropriate. Please, ensure you have the best information set before yourself so you can make the most informed decisions you can.
Originally Posted by MiaRob
need to know practically how to deal with this... Like in day to day.
Step back. Way back.
Give H plenty of time and space. You’ve seen and know his response to your relationship and reconciliations pressures. No relationship talks. Not for a good long while.
Marriage counselling “currently” will not work, as you’ve also found out. H is not in a place, nor is he ready for such introspection. He will go through the motions, agree to things, all just to say well we tried and it didn’t work.
Right now, H will look for all kinds of “reasons” and “excuses” to justify leaving. And if/when he cannot find them, he will make them up, or dredge up old past grievances. It very common for spouses to rewrite history and villainize the LBS, to rewrite the many years of marriage and relationship.
Realize, H is rewriting through his lens. He is colouring things in a certain manner. Of course, the LBS does as well. We all look through rose coloured glasses and remember the good things/times and minimize the others. Do not take his bait and get drawn into an argument of how he sees things vs how you do.
As counterintuitive as it will sound, when H moved downstairs, that was a good thing. It is unfortunate you begged him to return in one night. If (when?) H wishes to sleep downstairs again, let him!
Time and space is necessary. H needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship, before he might want to turn around and work on things. Dig for patience Mia. Any pressures, any R-talks, just pushes him towards the door.
Let go H. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
Focus on you. This is a must.
That doesn’t mean you just ignore H, nor treat him badly or anything. Basically, treat H as a roommate. Be kind and cordial, like you would be to the cashier at the grocery store for example. Let him go. Let him feel what it is like to lose you.
Focus on you. You do your inner work. Become Mia2.0. Become the best version of you. A woman only a fool would leave. And if H is that foolish… well, so be it.
Look, I guarantee you can be saved. And in doing so, will give you your best chance at saving your marriage. And remember, counterintuitive. The best way is to let go.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now. Let go or be dragged.
I want you to consider what you want in a relationship. And do not rush this process. Really consider it. What you want. What you desire. What you deserve.
And not some prince on horseback thing. I mean, I want, deserve, respect and trust and loyalty and faithfulness and openness, etc… Take serious and significant time to delve deep and realize and craft your convictions and aspirations.
Then, live that way. In your relationship with you. That is where you start. You. What you can control. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Get a life, GAL. Pull out/restart old hobbies you forgot or put on hold after you got married. Start something new. All reinforcing your life.
Do some 180’s. Make changes for the better. And do them because you want to, that is the way to ensure those changes and improvements become permanent.
H will challenge and disbelieve your positive changes. He will think any changes will be an attempt to win him back. Don’t worry about that or him. Let him think and feel what he will. You know better, and you are moving forward for you. Let him catch up.
I do hope you find this useful, and look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
