The posters that are beating you over the head are doing so for a reason....
When you first posted about the service, I already knew what your decision was.
And I felt like that you were merely posting it to get some reassurance over the decision that you had already made.
Everyone that comes here, finds DB in their own time.
And until you can "hear" things, you cannot hear them...
We all get there in our own time.
Yet I think what is hard (at least for me) is that you appear to be stuck inside of yourself.
An example of that being...
IF you were to go to the service, after you had cut your contact to "kids and bills" , and it was the first time that she had seen or talked to you in months....
Then that would have been a different thing....
Yet....
You going to the service, because you are still clinging onto every word and detail that she mutters to you, whilst using the excuse that it is because of your morals and values ,makes me believe that you are STILL very co-dependently attached to her...
I understand it....
Yet.....
The way that you used that...
It is still an excuse for you not being able to handle her not being in your life....
So....
what does being stuck, look like for you ??
For me...
I don't see you doing anything differently from what you were doing last year at this time.
I see you simply trying to "wait this out" , hoping that one day, she will change her mind and she will want to come home so that things can "go back to normal"...
I see you worrying so much about what she thinks and feels that you simply DO NOT allow yourself to make any decisions based on your wants and needs in your life as it is now...
I see you trying very hard to still be married to his Woman, who has repeatedly made it clear to you that she wants out of the marriage.
I see you still trying to apply the same rules of marriage when you interact with her....
I see a man that has taken GAL activities and used them as merely a distraction, to what is really going on with himself.
I see a man that doesn't appear to recognizing his role in the demise of this relationship, let alone addressing the actions behind them...
I see a man that because he hasn't recognized those things, is still looking outwardly for answers to questions that can only be answered internally....
I see a man whose actions do not match his words...
I see you STILL making decisions about your life, as a married man...
No ?
Why do you still refer to her as your W ?
I'm gonna ask you some questions Rock, so that you can ignore them : )
What does living your life as a single man mean to you ???
What does truly letting her go, look like to you ???
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years ???
What actions are you taking to get there ???
What fears are holding you back from truly moving forward for you ???
What are you so F-N afraid of ????
Rock, my sympathies in regards to your loss....
And Rock....
It's time to finally find your path...
Nothing is written that says that your next relationship can't be with your STBX...
Yet it would have to be a new thing, after you've done the internal work....
I have never seen a WAS return to a situation that they are trying to leave....
So maybe think about this, and how your fear is directing you on your path....
