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We had an interesting conversation today so I'm posting for feedback.
But first:
Originally Posted by Boat14
You are likely on the emotional roller coaster that has its highs and lows.
So true!
Yesterday I was feeling that maybe there was hope, since she seemed to almost enjoy be being around me and I felt a slight glimmer of appreciation or admiration as I followed through on a promise I made a while back to install an accessory on her car.
But today I'm back to "there's no hope".
She knows I watched our pastor's sermon online last night in my "man cave", which (unknown to me in advance) happened to be about divorce and saving a marriage with commitment and prayer, regardless of "feelings".
So today she asked that even if we could save our marriage, would I be OK with living the rest of my life with a wife that was completely unattracted to me physically?
So I said "no, I couldn't live with that".
She told me, "I know I'm all messed up, this is all because of me, there's nothing wrong with you, you're just the way you are".
But she said she lost attraction for me long ago and gave me a long list of "icks" as examples, starting from 35 years ago: >I allowed myself to slouch too much when sitting or standing which she found extremely unattractive, and I kept "forgetting" to change that. >I didn't keep my breath fresh in spite of her frequent reminders (they became rare so I assumed things were OK; now I know. I brush my teeth 2X/day but her nose is hypersensitive). >I'm too bound to routine by default, with insufficient spontaneity (of course some of this "routine" has been beneficial to her and our family)
Here's the shocker for me though: I've been severely lacking in passion and excitement in the bedroom department for years.
My nature is toward being "aggressive" sexually in that I would've loved for us to "do it" different times of the day, and have tried to gently get something started out of our norm, or try different positions or toys in bed or whatever. However she has always shut down my every attempt to be "adventurous" the point of her maybe allowing an “adventure” once a week as a "favor" if I'm lucky.
I love to "make love" and actually engage in foreplay with her but she hasn't allowed either of those for as long as I can remember. She just wants me to jump right in so we can both be "serviced" and be done with it.
Yet she cites my "lack of sexual adventure" as the main reason she's done with me. When I mentioned I've been trying to jump-start our sex life for years, she said she resisted my attempts BECAUSE she's not attracted to me. So it feels like a "Catch-22".
In spite of the attraction-killing issues mentioned above of posture and fresh breath, over the years she always said I was handsome, sometimes she said I looked "F-able", and I'm pretty fit for my age. I lift weights and run regularly, but have never been able to grow much muscle. But did have a six-pack before Covid a few years ago. I'm trying to get that back now.
That's enough rambling! I just received my book but haven't started reading. Any comments are appreciated!
What a load of BS. This is what she is saying:
“Here’s a list of minor things that I am using to avoid personal guilt.”
This is a super common play book. Woman decides to leave, husband wants to save marriage and is open to self improvement/counselling/fixing problems, woman then dredges up a ridiculous list of things that quite often they never brought up - and then says it’s too late.
The rub here is that fixing those things won’t save your marriage. If brushing, flossing and gargling every day with the Karma Sutra on the night stand was all it was going to take, she’d be on board with trying to fix it.
She has checked out.
Fix those things you’ve listed above and there will be one of two outcomes: - she will add lots more things to the list - she will say that because you didn’t fix them earlier it destroyed her love for you and it’s now too late.
The only way to potentially win this woman back is to fix those things, but silently. If you try to show her you’ve changed them, she’ll default to the ever popular “you’ve just changed them to win me back short term”.
Best thing you can do - fix all those things in silence and without her knowing, and get off your butt and become an exciting, fun, sexy man without showing any interest in her whatsoever.
Your conversations should go like this:
HER - YOU “You look nice!” - “Jane from the gym came shopping with me.” “Is that new aftershave?” - “Everyone at work noticed it too.” “Where are you going?” - “Out!” “Have you had your teeth whitened?” - “Nope, my teeth are gross remember.” “You’re standing up straighter.” - “Perhaps the burden of marriage is a weight off my shoulders now 😉”
Don’t do these things to manipulate her or make her jealous. But be mysterious and cheeky and elusive.
