Welcome to the boards. I certainly do understand your wanting and wishing to find folks who understand, and to be rather bold - more importantly to find folks who know and have lived what you are going through and experiencing. That eye rolling is a very common reception from the uninitiated to hearing about a midlife crisis and its horrible devastation. Most people's only information is the almost comical Hollywood version and characterization in which a man struggles, cheats, and gets a red sports car. The truth is very much, not that.
I am glad you started a thread here in the MLC section of the site. Lots of posters do start out in newcomers, though that's not some rule or anything, just a starting a point is all. And with your situation perhaps the MLC section will better suit your needs. (By the way, your thread can be moved if in the future you feel it better suited elsewhere, you need just ask me. I found this forum stuff all rather overwhelming when I made my first post, so no worries.) No matter where you hang your hat, there are plenty of kind compassion folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
I will paste a copy of Cadet's Welcome Thread below for your reference. There are quite a few links to a trove of good and useful information. Some homework for you.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Also would like to know if their person's eyes were dark like they have no soul????
Oh my yes. Those lifeless dark shark eyes are a pretty commonplace feature of a person in crisis.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
There is no communication and hasn't been since August 2023. Wondering if this is part of the withdrawal phase???
In reference to MLC, the withdrawal stage occurs after replay has runs its course. The typical six stages: Denial, Anger, Replay, Depression, Withdrawal, and Acceptance.
A few things. A midlife crisis explodes as one's long ago trauma(s) are unearthed. These traumatic events usually happened to the MLCer when they were very young and emotional immature, and perpetrated from someone in a position of authority. The very person suppose to protect and nurture.
A youngster does not have well developed coping mechanisms and cannot reconcile their trauma(s), and as such the child buries their pain; for it's the only thing they know to do. And things buried alive will come back to haunt. At midlife, 40-60, is a time of life's reflection. At midlife those demons will no longer remain silent.
MLC exploding is really from our, the LBS (left behind spouse) point of view. To us, that bomb drop, is the beginning. However, the crisis actually starts with the MLCer's denial. Many months before BD a small ceaseless feeling starts inside them. Slowly it grows. Ever constant. Ever persistent. My wife, post BD, told me she thought she was going crazy. She had such confusion and depression. She cried all the time. And she hid it from everyone. Such is denial.
Two of the main hallmarks of MLC are confusion and depression. Do realize, MLC is emotionally driven. MLC is not rational. A MLCer will not listen to, nor heed rational logical reasoning. They will, and do, try all kinds of running behaviors in a futile effort to end their torment and unwanted feelings, and their oddly juxtaposed simultaneous numbness. Depression is ever present, it is the most basic underlying fuel for their crisis.
A MCLer cannot handle being wrong. They truly cannot. They will blame and project upon their spouse, their kids, whomever and whatever they have to. They will craft, and do believe, their narratives to support and justify their new life. It's bewildering to witness.
Bomb drop is usually the start of the replay stage. This is when the MLCer tries to relive what they feel they missed out on. They become the complete opposite of who they once were. And this stage lasts, well it lasts as long as it needs to. And that time is measured in years. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Anyhow, I do empathize and understand. I've seen some truly horrendous behaviors first hand.
Do focus on you.
Give H plenty of time and space.
The seeds of MLC were planted far in H's past.
In time, and with good fortune, H will someday realize that he is still unhappy and Whatlee hasn't really been around. Then, with even more good fortune, H would then consider that maybe his unhappiness has nothing to do with you and he starts to look inward.
A MLCer is on a journey we thankfully were not invited upon. They have to traverse it. And once started they have to finish it. Nothing you do can stop it. Nothing you do can speed it up. At best, any efforts would be neutral, the more usual outcome is just prolonging of the crisis. The MLCer needs to discover his hidden trauma. You didn't break him, therefore you cannot fix him. The best you can do is time and space. (((Hug)))
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
