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I have a question. After reading what I have posted in my updates this week, do you think I should go ahead and file for divorce? I have been considering that I do indeed need to go ahead and file. If for no other reason then to protect myself from the decisions she is making. In the past I have considered this her decision and have been letting her take all the steps leading to and through our split.
I think that W feels she has taken all the steps through your spilt. Her view of getting engaged and marrying is that she can, no problems at all.
If you need protection, then get it.
In my understanding of the current state of your situation, you and W are cleaved financially. Not living together, no joint bills, no joint assets - it’s how you two are going about things day to day. Legally, the courts may have a different interpretation.
Custody is a non issue with both kids now being adults. There is providing education monies for a few more years to consider. In this, is she stepping up to the plate or not?
With her current mindset and pending plans on marrying, I’d suggest getting that divorce paperwork done. She likely won’t believe in the legal requirement of it. Still, you do know differently. Alimony, joint assets, financial liabilities (credit cards, loans, mortgages, etc), it would be good to get that all settled and out of the way.
You say she has more to lose than you. Maybe I’m misreading your need for financial protection.
Speak with a lawyer and see what way forward best suits your situation.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
I am at a point where I am not sure reconciliation is really a possibility anymore. I have changed to the degree that I feel like I want more than even the old version of W is capable of. I want to be chosen, I want to be loved, and I want that love to be evident...I don't want to guess about it. I want to feel confident and trusting in my partner. I want my partner to care about how I feel and what I am interested in. I want to treat my partner the same. But, I do not see that in W. My door may still be open by a crack, but I think I am close to closing the door and turning the lighthouse light off.
We LBS grow. We become. Myself, I’m DnJ2.0. And like yourself, I’m not interested in reconciling with XW1.0. She needs to grow. I would not want to be with the gal she was, after all that gal cheated and burnt so many bridges. XW would also grow upon progressing through her crisis. XW2.0 as it were.
Would I be attracted to XW2.0, the person inside? Would she find me attractive? I’ve changed from DnJ1.0, she might not like who I am. I may not like who she is either. Or we might see more eye to eye than before. However, XW is still very much in replay so I cannot say.
You hit the nail squarely on the head, you know you don’t want W back; the previous version.
Something to consider. A lighthouse doesn’t shine for that one lost ship. It shines because it is. Do not extinguish your light. It matters not if W is following or not. You shine because of you.
I’ve closed the door on XW1.0. The door is open to the possibilities regarding XW2.0, if she even emerges. Perhaps, this clarity works for you too. You can be open to the possibility of W2.0 or W3.0 even. Just a gal you could date, if she were to cross your path. That’s all. And you aren’t sitting around pining/waiting for her, you are living and loving your life.
I am sorry your relationship with GF ended. From you account, it does sound like you (and her) entered into it too soon. I am proud of you, seeing your need for healing and wholeness. A most worthy pursuit and investment.
Life’s path is not about the destinations, it’s about the journey. I use wording like version, 1.0, 2.0, and becoming; yet those are not distinct end points. I will only stop having opportunity to become the man I’m meant to be, when I draw that final breath upon my deathbed. Until then, I have the agency to grow and effort towards that man. Oddly, I’ll never actual become him. Never be all I could be. For no matter how many days, if I had one more, I could grow a wee bit more.
