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How wonderful to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your summary/update so openly; I can certainly understand how emotions would stir given the recent events.
W’s engagement to OM, while she is still married to you, is quite a head scratcher. Her apology, acknowledgment and seeming awareness of her depression, not blaming you, admitting her inability to forgive herself, are all positive indicators like you said. Yet, something seems amiss.
Originally Posted by sjohns6
This really left me a bit dumbstruck. It sounds as though she came through her MLC tunnel a few years ago. Or, that is what I thought after reading her reply. But, then I started to feel like something just still wasn't right, even though she said some of the magic words. (came out of a dark fog, admitted depression, sorry for what she did, wasn't my fault, etc). But, if she came out of it years ago and was sad how she treated me and couldn't forgive herself, why not say something then? Why not apologize then? And in telling me now, why sandwich that in an email about college for our daughter? And she is now happy with that guy enough to marry him despite never making any peace about what happened between us? And on top of that, we are still not divorced. I think she is not fully baked but has had a bit of awareness.
When a MLCer find acceptance, they may not return to who they once were. If fact, most times they won’t. Just as we have grown, so have they. In finding acceptance they see things clearly and are more healed and able to cope, and so on. They will have cast off the MLCer personality and those running behaviours, yet who finally emerges from that crucible is somewhat an unknown.
A person who successful navigates their crisis will, be definition, have to have grown and changed. Just look at us LBS, we grow and certainly become. A crisis individual will have likewise strengthened that which serves, and discarded that which doesn’t. (Crafting convictions they aspire to comes later for them.) Which parts would remain and which parts would be cast off, is impossible to predict.
Overall, upon such acceptance they are more themselves than when consumed by their crisis. Calmer, emotions in order, more rational, takes on responsibility, etc. It is a transformation, though less so than when entering their crisis.
However, before there can be acceptance for the MLCer, they have an awakening. Post such an awakening there is withdrawal and depression, then they start to find acceptance. I don’t recall W exhibiting withdrawal nor the dark deep depression of exiting a crisis. Perhaps W has experienced some awakening. She does seem to be peering out of the tunnel, and even stated many positive things to, and about, you. Given all that, I do agree with you, she is not yet done baking. Her actions smack of running. (Seriously!, engaged while still married. Did she forget?)
Anyhow, looking out the tunnel is just that, looking out. That is much different than being out of the tunnel. Exiting the replay stage is as confusing for them as entering it. They exist and see and live in two (or more) worlds. For example, methinks W sees and can obviously acknowledge all that past stuff, yet also is still running from something.
Did you and W get legally separated? Is divorce now just a submission to the courts? I don’t recall any separation, though I could very well be mistaken. At any rate, W has some work before her if she is going to proceed forward with her wedding plans.
I am glad you found this place to be such a benefit. Please feel free to share your journey, and your wisdom, as you see fit.
Also, would like me to link this thread to your last one? Or would you prefer to keep it as is?
