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I just read through your updates. I'm sorry you are having to join this club, but at very least it will help you through all the tough bits. Everyone has given you really good advice. I am not sure if I have anything to add other than to piggyback on what everyone else has already said. Everyone around here seems to really know their stuff and they have been a lifeline to me in my journey, even if I don't come around much anymore.
One thing I will add is a reminder that all you do is for yourself, not to get your H back. That will or will not happen and nothing you do will really affect that. I have been told that you can't fix him but you CAN make it worse. But I am not even sure if I believe that. I spent years trying to do things that I thought would lead my W back, and chastised myself when I thought I mis-stepped in some way. In the end, I do not think anything I did mattered at all. It was never about me, so nothing I did affected anything. I analyzed everything for deeper meaning, looking for signs. Oh I'd say I wasn't. I'd say I was getting a life for myself. I'd say I was being kind to her despite her actions because I was a good person (not that I'm not), but the truth is I was taking the actions that I thought would lead her back to me. If she does ever try to come back, I don't think it would be based on my efforts, but on hers. I think that is what I would want anyways. If she's to come back, I want it to be because she wants to and is willing to do the work, not because I did the work, if that makes sense. I say all of that as a reminder that you need to be healing yourself for YOU. You are the prize. You didn't break things, you didn't break him. We ALL could be better people, better partners, better friends, better parents, etc...every one of us. But, for healthy people that love and support each other, almost nothing is actually a deal breaker. They communicate and work together to repair things. If you don't communicate, how can you know that there is an issue? Our MLCers have something broken inside them, and it was there before we met them. It is their responsibility to fix that so that they can be part of a healthy relationship. Happiness is something you bring TO a relationship, not something you get FROM it.
Just do your best to live your best life despite the situation. Remember that you are the prize. You are the one holding things together. You hold the truth in your heart about the reality of your relationship. You know there was love, you know there was happiness, you know that nothing that you did broke your relationship. He may have been the love of your life, and he may have been worth waiting for in general...but he is not that person anymore right now. He may be again in the future at some point, but he isn't right now and it's on him as to whether he ever returns to that person again. I know it feels counterintuitive to let him twist in the wind with his depressive MLC when you are supposed to be his love and support, but that is the nature of this thing. He won't be receptive to it right now and it will only make your head spin if you try to love him out of it and it goes unreciprocated from him. For now, work on you! You deserve it!
