Thanks DnJ always love your insight. H does see the kids almost daily, mainly for school runs and after school when I work, sport weekends, usually only if there’s an “errand” of some sort. Certainly no “fun” things. He took S12 for an ice cream the other day so that was good. S12 loves spending time with him. We can’t do the 50/50 because of where he lives so there’s no overnights with dad. Another reason why I am moving toward the splitting of everything and going our seperate ways with a proper arrangement in place where there’s a schedule for the kids. So s12 doesn’t keep asking when he’s seeing dad. I’ve gotten a lot of legal advice lately which is good and where my current mindset is coming from. Initially they were emotion driven responses you know the ones where he’s gotten angry or done something and I throw up my hands and say in my mind “ right I’m done “. That was a few months back. The last month or so since I feel I have let go of everything and H I feel it’s a deeper feeling now. It’s one from more clarity. Less about me and how I feel and more about what’s best for the kids and me, what’s best for my future and what I deserve. And maybe it’s what’s best for H. Maybe his life is just a bit too easy right now to be cushy as he hasn’t felt the full impact of being separated as he’s still so involved in our lives. Regardless it’s now a daily thought a daily plan something that I feel is needed despite how hard and painful it will be. I know H and he would happily coast in comfort zone for years and years if he could. That’s not a life I see for myself. I remember early on in the piece when I first joined the lovely Steve said something about a drop date. I always had it in the back of my head that I would give it a year give him what he asked for a year before I move along. By no means am I feeling that pressure but it is something that creeps in to my mind. I’m proud of myself for a year. I can walk away with my head held high that I tried, and there comes a time where we have to let go. Not because we don’t see it working or a future ( because I do, I can still imagine growing old with H if he emerges from his current MLC regardless of what form he is in and what changes have occurred because I know they are never the same) but I am feeling I am letting go and walking away because there comes a time when you do have to stop the chase for the bare minimum. And I deserve better I really do. One thing I’ve really come to realise is I want H but I definitely don’t need him. I feel sorry for him alot, he has a hard slog ahead of him and chosen to do it alone.The “going through the motion” can’t be a great feeling in life.
DnJ you said it perfectly and a lot of where I am sitting now. I have muted him and love it. My main focus is me and the kids and what’s best for me and the kids and what our future holds and I am excited for it. I am excited to step forward without the financial burden of H shadow and make decisions for me and the kids, spoil them, have fun, enjoy life because it is so precious, and leaving H behind seeing as he doesn’t want to come for the ride.
I’m excited. I’m so very excited. Scared? Yes, nervous? Yes. Just because I’m moving this way I don’t feel like I can’t still be that lighthouse. Just because I am moving forward doesn’t mean deep down I don’t still feel that if the pieces fall in place correctly that reconciliation isn’t possible. As I said I won’t be filing for divorce. We have to wait here for that. This is all just legal separation agreements and child custody arrangements and splitting our financials for now. It still is a big step away from eachother but just maybe H needs to move away from me completely to see what he once had and lost.
Thanks for everything you say and do on here. Hopefully one day in the next year or two I can be a Vet and help whoever has gone through this. Can I also just say there needs to be wayyyyy more exposure around MLC in this world. I always thought it was a Hollywood gimmick.
