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I understand the need to contact the OM, but it's counter productive to your goals, and really all it's gonna do is make you think you scared him, while he's laughing at you that night while on the phone with someone else.....
I can hear the anger in your typed words, and I get I do, the betrayal, the disbelief in her and even yourself, the frustration with the unknown. I get the need to re take control, but maybe we can explore a different route of taking control.
Take control of yourself...you've given her your ultimatum, but it doesn't look like you said when you'd file, so no rush. In the mean time, GAL life a mad man. Set up a schedule where your STBXW watches the kids. You enjoy your new found time. Go the gym, take lessons, could an instrument, a new language? Get new hobbies. Remember what attracted her to you to begin with, and compare that to how you are now. We are all allowed to change, but I'll be the first to admit I didn't dress as nice, I didn't shave as often, I didn't always wear cologne, I didn't always open her door, I stopped working out etc etc etc. Basically the old saying goes never stop dating your wife, and I did stop. I played my part on it ending, but not how it ended if that makes sense. This is the way you make her turn around and notice you.