I thought to myself I am only 41, do I really want to waste potentially the next few years running myself into the ground “waiting “ for H to get himself sorted out. Then once that does happen ( potentially like you said a good 12-18 months of IC which he’s refused) it would take me a long time to re-trust him and rebuild a new relarionship( that old one died at BD). That’s a very long and exhausting process and I will forever live with the fear of this happening again when he has his later midlife crisis 10 years down the track because he hasn’t gotten to the root of his issues.
Or do I now dust myself off, pick myself up, make myself whole again and move ahead with the kids, rebuild our lives, live not under the cloud of someone who is full of his own issues and guilt, and give my kids the best years of their lives Doing what I want when I want without an anchor weighing me down.
Right now option 2 looks great ( despite the wounded heart)
Yes, do not waste years of your life “waiting”. Focusing on you and the kids; Living and loving your life; Standing - these are not wasteful waiting around, they are investing into you and your life.
I liked option 2 as well. Definitely pick yourself up, dust off, rebuild your life, become healed and whole, and let go the anchor. And a divorce or separation is not required to do any of that.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I don’t know if this is me letting go of that rope or not. I feel like I can’t keep waiting and hoping anymore for someone who has shown zero interest in fixing himself up. I could be waiting years and years by the time he goes through therapy and we try and rebuild everything. I just can’t see him capable of doing it and even so I think my trust would be shattered for a long time. I still love him so deeply and wished he would come out of his darn tunnel but I have drained myself for 8 months trying to hang on to dear life. I want to be like MA and find myself and do my own thing again without worrying about H
I understand how draining it is hanging on for dear life. Let go. Drop the rope, or continue to be dragged.
Letting go allows you to embrace what really matters. Time, possibilities, hope, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, acceptance.
I speak from a bit further down the road. There was a time when I hung on, and hoped, and defined the outcome of the situation, all based upon my wife and her actions. In what will likely feel most counterintuitive, only in letting go you start to actually have.
It’s truly amazing. Life. Happiness. Love. Forgiveness. All such fleeting things at first. Like trying to grab dandelion seeds while running and waving your arms around. It doesn’t work. There is much truth in: If you love something, set it free.
Letting go of my (initial) hope, my W, the outcome, and my need for an outcome, was difficult. Ego is quite a force to figure out. Anyhow, in letting go indifference swelled within and I felt done with it. Of course, that is only a temporary thing, as indifference does unwind. I discovered in letting go of W, I embraced the outcome of my situation, not the situation. And my outcome was based upon me and my behaviours, not W/XW and her behaviours.
As well - Hope is born anew!
Yes, hope waivers. Faith waivers. For a while. Then, if you’re open to it, something miraculous occurs. Faith, hope, love, all become more an unconditional part of you. For me, those are not tied to any particular outcome or need of outcome, they just are.
Answers do present themselves when we are calm and at peace. Let go, and let those precious tenets land upon your open hand and heart. Like the fluffy seeds of the dandelion you cannot grab them, you more allow and encourage them to you. Encourage them to grow within you.
Another thing I purposefully did and urge folks to consider - keep your heart soft and squishy. It is far too easy to harden our hearts against the pains we are enduring, and the behaviours of our spouse. Do not let your heart calcify. Feel those pains, and loves. For the seeds will only grow in a soft heart.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
am I going too far pushing the full split of assets/house? There isn’t a real logical way we can keep it financially or buy eachother out etc. H wouldn’t have enough money to keep it and rent elsewhere for himself and it would put a lot of strain on me too depending on the division of payments of everything. Selling everything will free up a lot of financial pressures but it’s literally starting again just me and the kids. I know it’s just bricks and mortar and I am not attached but I think once the family home is gone it’s done for good.(which i know it is based on what he says) I am also a bit worried if he did, he would feel he still owned it and come and go as he pleased and use it against me. I kind of feel like it would be me finally being free of him( the choice he made to leave and he’s made his bed and now needs to sleep in it). I know it sounds quite harsh but everyone is saying rip the Band-Aid off make a clean financial cut and start again. It’s not really being the lighthouse though as it’s more like closing that door. Thoughts?
I should just add a side note lawyer advised to just rip the Band-Aid off and make a clean cut to avoid being in limbo for years and to be able to rebuild my life( family are on the same page)
My friends and family cared very much for me. They all wanted and wished for a speedy path through my pain. That’s where the well intentioned rip the band-aid off advice comes from.
My XW pushed our separation through in 60 days after BD. Being separated/divorced, having a custody agreement (my case sole custody), having assets split (my case I got the house, cars, my full pension, possessions, etc.; XW took a laundry basket, some of her clothes, and her favourite coffee mug) does not fix a broken heart.
Divorce is the business side of this stuff. Divorce is just splitting up money and kids. Having a signed piece of paper will not keep you from limbo. Rebuilding one’s life comes from the emotional/healing path.
A few weeks after the shock of BD wore off, I told my caring family and friends I was standing for my marriage (which eventually evolved into standing for me) and though they may not understand my reasons, and honestly at times even I may not, I asked them to support me on this path when/if I waiver.
Regarding specifically the business side of the house and finances. If you need financial protection or security, get it. Use cold logic (sans emotions) when calculating this. Ensure it’s needed, there is no other solution or resolution to explore first. (You and the kids have to live some where, if it is possible you might want to stay where you are.)
Financially cleaving between you and H will not heal you, nor will it end the emotions. Also, splitting assets does not prevent a future reconciliation either. The two paths - business; emotional/healing - really are separate.
