Originally Posted by Keyser77
LOL! Well even after BD we have had sex about a half dozen times and it was different. She has been more uninhibited. I'm not sure if that is common with MLC or not. The affair, which seems to be so common, does give me concern. I told her that would be the deal breaker. I haven't confirmed that she has or had one but I do highly suspect an EA with a much, much younger colleague. I haven't mentioned since DB'ing but did prior to finding this website and she denied it - of course.

I am still struggling hard on the GAL while I'm in this limbo period. I spend most of my free time with my kids and that makes me happy but that is business as usual. I really need to force myself to go out without them and do something but the more I think about the divorce and splitting time, the more I want to spend as much time with them as I can. My W is going out again tonight with friends and its my kids and I alone. I'm honestly trying and I have maintained almost all of the DB rules but its pretty darn hard when you want something so bad. I continue to struggle.....

Hi Keyser!

Let me be brutally honest:

- I’d bet my left *** she has an affair person. That’s the reality here.

- You’ve stated an affair is a deal breaker. You need to be REALLY careful what you say, because it can come back to haunt you - and in fact can actually encourage her to keep having affairs and keep you at arm’s length. Is that TRULY your deal breaker? If she walked in tomorrow and said “I’ve been banging Steve from accounts” would you calmly tell her to leave, pack up her stuff, throw it on the sidewalk, change the locks and file immediately with a lawyer? Because if the answer to that is absolutely yes, then that’s a great boundary and you can make it clear. But if there’s any hesitation at all, or you’d have to think about it, you shouldn’t be telling her or yourself it’s a deal breaker. Marriages do recover from physical affairs. What they DONT recover from is weak men who verbalise a boundary and then let their wives break it. Think very carefully on this.

- You seem to be struggling emotionally (like I and many others did and still do). Are you getting professional counselling help? You’re unlikely to make significant progress on your sadness/anxiety/attractiveness without external help. We can’t really do that here. You should get some help from a counsellor /psychologist.

- Tell me about your eating/exercise/sleeping at the moment.

- R2C’s advice was spot on. It probably seems counter intuitive to you, but I’m here to say that R2C/DNJ/cadet/Job etc give incredibly good advice and it’s worth heeding. Tell me, if you were in her shoes, who would you most likely to attracted to - the man who just sits at home, watching the kids whenever you demand and pining for you to come home to talk about staying married … or the guy who tells you to watch the kids, plans his weekend and goes out to bar with some mates - or goes mountain biking, or go karting, or to the shooting range? This sounds a lot easier than it is - but if you want to be attractive, you need to be attractive. ATM she sees a quiet, scared, weak man.

- You probably think if she found photos of you and your mates at a bar with lots of women, she would be mega angry and reconciliation would be less likely. I’m here to tell you it’s the complete opposite. Women only want something they can’t have. If they see you having a great time with your friends and attractive women, she will suddenly respect you and want back in. It’s very different for men and women. If men see women out and about, flirting lots of men, they aren’t attracted to them because they think they’re cheap and flippant. If a woman sees a man getting lots of attention from other women, they find them attractive. At the moment, she sees that you’re not commanding of respect and she can click her fingers and get you back at any time she wants. That’s not attractive. And it makes her feel SAFE to have an affair and trash her marriage. This is why MWD is so right with GAL activities. They’re useful for three main reasons - they keep your body and mind busy, they make you more attractive to your spouse, and lastly, if you do divorce a you’ve made a 12 month head start on finding yourself and your happiness.

If I’m totally honest, I’m not holding out much hope there will be reconciliation here - because you’re being a passenger. Waiting for her MLC/HRT issues to settle and coming here asking the board for advice on the smallest of issues.

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One of the things I am struggling with is my wife LOOOOOVES attention from me - PDA, compliments, hand holding, etc. I didn't do is much as she wanted throughout the R. When will I know when it’s ok to start doing it more.

She’s thinking of leaving. Personally, I wouldn’t be giving any PDAs or compliments. Don’t be deliberately nasty, but why would you compliment and reward someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Imagine a dog pissing on the carpet because you didn’t give it enough treats. Would you fix that by giving it a treat each time it pisses on the carpet? What message does that send?

MWD says that of what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, then it’s time to do something different.

Sitting around, apologising constantly, giving compliments and sex when you sort of suspect an affair - how well is that working out for you?

She likes PDAs. Fair enough. What do you like? Do you like PDAs? Do you like it when she sits on your lap at a bar? Do you like it when she wears sexy underwear or says dirty things in your ear in public, or sends you flirty messages?

What do YOU like? I’m guessing while you’re worrying so much about giving her what she wants, you’re not getting anything that you like.

Your job in marriage is not to make the other person happy at your expense. It’s that you are both happy and single people, but BOTH of you further enrich each other’s lives.

You’ve owned your previous faults. Good on you! And I expect from now on you won’t make the same mistakes again. But please don’t slip into this “I must make her 100% happy all the time and do everything perfectly” mentality. You’ve owned it. You’ve apologised to her. You’re going to act differently in the future.

Now get off the couch and be a strong, confident, happy many who commands respect, who is fun to be around 👍

Good luck!