Hi P., Hi DnJ,

wow P., if you had not mentioned you were 7 months past BD I would have thought you'd been here much longer. You sound strong and I know that's because you're doing all, or mostly all, of the right things to detach and focus on yourself. I like to say I'm going in the right direction but with many detours.

I've been thinking a lot about our relationship, H and I, we were kind of co dependent on each other. There wasn't too much we did outside of the marriage like hanging with separate friends, doing things without each other.
We met being pen pals for years before meeting in person, and even when we finally met in person we had no idea it would turn into more than a friendship. Neither one of us, even though we were in our mid and late 20's, had had a serious past relationship. H was busy working all the time. He never wanted to get married because most women are just bitches (his words). I am an emotionally intense person, I could never see myself with anyone unless I really, really "felt" him and that was just never the case until H. We both had our "first time" with each other while going on 30 while the vast majority of couples would be in their early 20's, late teens even. So not the norm these days.

We meant everything to each other but we also did not know much about being married. We both failed to do the work that has to go into it. We did not weed and took care of "the garden". Hindsight here. We never communicated well, H especially, he assumed and expected without passing anything by me, and then BOOM, expectations not met, done.

Like you said D., unmet expectations lead to resentment.

I know one thing for sure, if there is or ever will be OW and they got physical, I could not deal with it. That for me is the ultimate betrayal and would forever break our bond. It could not be undone. That is just how I feel very strongly. In fact, I don't think I could ever look at him again knowing he has gone "there" with someone else. I must say that is my biggest fear at this point.
A few days ago H ordered some "male enhancement" gummies, found the order confirmation in my emails.
Normally I would have said okay, seems like something he could try given the fact he's been struggling in that department. There was only one thing seriously wrong with it, we don't have any sex at all anymore. It's been 8 months since. So of course I wanted to know what that's all about. He said they were vitamins for "the issue". And when I pointed out that we had not been intimate in months, why would he need them, he had nothing to say.
So I don't know if I was just overreacting? I told my therapist and she said I should not jump to any conclusions because it doesn't necessarily mean he's planning to have sex with anyone. She's right but it makes me feel uneasy. I know the ED has been one of his biggest issues, he could be just trying to find ways to deal with it. I don't know.

I also did spend a good deal of time scouring the internet for answers, both now and the last time. Have to read more of the Dbusting stuff. H was on medical leave but had an appointment with orthopedic surgeon yesterday. He got him to sign his work release and he's back to work today even though he is not fully healed. One can only hope he will mind the fact that he's under certain restrictions or he'll be back where he was. But, he's out of the house until 5pm and I'm home by 11am so that gives me time to myself. My computer (still using my desktop) is right across from our bed so H would always be right behind me while resting/watching tv, etc., so I avoided going on the dbusting website and other places like it. I have my phone but it's just too small for me, I need the big screen.

Lol, thanks D. for the wording change, you're right. I should mention that English is not my native language so things I try to say may not always come out in the most suitable way. It's funny how I had to get used to speaking English when I came to the States 25 years ago, now I have trouble talking to my family and friends back home (Germany) because I often can't think of a word or two while talking to them. Guess that's how it goes. I don't get to speak my native language that much anymore.

You said...

Not long ago it was not so. I ruminated over the past, and fretted over the future. When one is depressed they are living in the past. When one is anxious they are living in the future. Peace is found living in the present...

Lol, I don't know how to quote someone on here so I just do the copy/paste thing, my apologies.
Anyhow, I love it when people say things that prompt me to ponder, you are a very wise soul. And you are ultimately an asset to this site. When H first was in MLC I relied on the support of some very wise souls on the midlife wives club website forum. Have not been able to access that one again but I remember "Pegasus". She was the one who would welcome and comfort everyone new. I am grateful for people like her and you. You are a force that moves us along to better understanding.

We all know MLC is hard to wrap your head around, the more you try to understand what your lost spouse is doing and saying the more "insane" we feel. H seems very normal and like himself but as soon as I bring up anything that forces him to "feel" I get the deer in the headlights look. It is like they shut down that part of their brain. I was reading about age regression and how it can be a defense mechanism. It is true that the more you get to understand what the MLC spouse is going through the better equipped you are as the LBS to handle it and not feel like a victim. Emotions aside, I do not believe that H is doing all this to hurt me or get back at me, he is just in panic mode because he does not understand the emotional storm raging inside him. He is merely reacting in the only way he knows how.

Another thing I believe now is that the MLC timeline is different wether or not there is a third party involved. I mean it makes sense. If there is no OP the MLCer does not get pulled away from the issues inside so eventually they might deal with them. While when they have the OP they believe they have found what they have been looking for all along, the answer to all of their problems, the antidote. A fresh new life that is full of excitement, "love", adventure and a new beginning. Just what they wanted....
so the Awakening will either be delayed or may never happen at all...