Thanks Kind.I think some stern words from you a few weeks ago really opened my eyes a bit. I have had so much awesome advice and I literally had not taken it on board until recently.( I even went back and started re reading some of my older responses from you guys). And I should have clarified I very much so am not rushing out to find a fill in H. But months ago I couldn’t even imagine life without him. I was so hyper focused on getting him back and fixing everything to how it was. Now it’s like i have come up for air. I actually am starting to love my alone time and doing my own thing my way. certainly don’t need a fill in man, but I do now know what I do deserve in a partner and someone who respect and shares my values and dreams. I really was living in a cloud with H and looking back have not enjoyed the last year or so. I was just existing and putting up with it when I deserve better. And yes I am def aware I am at fault for this breakdown we are both to blame 50/50 marriage 50/50 at fault. But for many months I have been guilty and felt blamed a lot and really hadn’t forgiven myself at all so it’s nice to finally forgive myself for my wrongdoings in my share of the issues.
It’s strange I actually look at H now and don’t even want him. I don’t know why the shift. I thought maybe it was anger but I am not angry I am so calm. But I look at him and don’t feel the same anymore. Maybe it’s seeing the version he is becoming and knowing I really don’t want that for my life. The future looks bleak with this version
Thanks Joseph I think I knew what you meant.and I am certainly not putting the blame solely on H.
Now it’s my time. You are so right Kind I think back a month and I have really shifted big. This one is going to stick. In the past I was stuck on H revolving seesaw and comings and goings. I am sitting and getting all my stuff in order while he’s away in regard to how joint custody will work, financials etc. right now since bD kids have lived with me 7 days a week for 4 months now. This is going to stop. They need a schedule and there will be days they will stay with him. I didn’t realise how burnt out I was getting doing everything to appease him and make his life easy.I need my downtime too and he needs to be a parent again( not a 17 year old)
Loving being back at the gym( I really have had a horrid ride with major surgery a month after he moved out) I feel incredibly resilient at the moment. When I think back to every blow I have copped and I keep getting up. Got a lot of good things planned the next two weeks, taking the dog for lots of walk and getting so much sunshine.
There’s nothing better than seeing a woman pick herself up and level up after H did everything he could to tear me down for 7 months. Now it’s my time to level up.
