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As far as I know Michele does not have an electronic version of DR. She does have the first chapter available online here though.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
My ultimate goal was to save our marriage, our family unit. Should I wait until she files for divorce herself or should I do it myself first?
My advice is to let the one who wants out own the divorce. Leave the heavy lifting to W. You don’t block her or place barricades in her way, yet you don’t pave the path in gold either.
Do keep tabs on the accounts and bills and all that. Spouses that feel done with the marriage sometimes start spending money like it’s going out of style; and before you know it the savings could be all gone. If you need financial protection or security then get it.
It looks like you and W have separate accounts already which does alleviate some of the financial worries here. As long as she keeps paying her half of the joint expenses and kids’ stuff, let it ride for a while.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
What can I do to break the spell? Does she ever come back to me? Or should I move on with my life and let divorce take its course?
I caution against the trying to snap them awake strategy; it comes off as an ultimatum. And ultimatums seldom work. In my view, folks offering such final deals more want it to not be accepted so they can plunge into retaliation mode. Fighting begets fighting.
In short, nothing you do or say is likely to break the spell. She has to come to that on her own, and on her time.
You cannot control W. You only can control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Those three things.
If you take a hard stance, and she turns it down, which is pretty likely, then you are heading for a divorce. The very thing you are not wanting. Right?
So, do not act or react in a way that promotes divorce. Threatening to divorce unless W dumps OM, will only get you divorced. Take a different path, IMHO.
Focus on you and the kids. Get a life (GAL). Life and love your life.
Give W plenty of time and space. She needs to feel the loss of you and the marriage. Currently, W is full of limerence. And she is dredging up past grievances, creating narratives, and such, to justify leaving you. Lots of fabrications from her, as you have seen.
You let her go. And in time, hopefully, the affair will start to sour. That illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit, which make a terrible foundation to weather life’s storms. It’s that illicit-ness that presently makes the affair alluring to her.
As the affair starts to fall from fantasy into reality, W will start to feel emotions that are much more helpful to your cause. Guilt, grief, remorse, loss, etc. Realize, at the moment W is just too high on luv to feel anything else. Give her time and space.
Is DB a guarantee that your marriage will be saved? No. However, DB can/will save you and gives your marriage its best chance at restoration.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
Strange thing is that she tells me that it is not about this dude…
Originally Posted by PeterPan
I know it IS about this dude and her feelings of love for him…
Oddly, W is likely speaking the truth here.
Affairs, the affair partner, are just bandaids for the cheater’s internal pain. W doesn’t truly know why. Affairs and such are emotionally driven, not rationally driven. And those feelings will override logic and reason. Kids, marriage, financial security, etc, all become meaningless, secondary, to them.
Peter, this isn’t about OM. He and W are not soulmates or some other teenage BS.
To be clear, W is still culpable. She is responsible for her actions. However, you need not be judge, jury, or executioner. No one is wise enough to see all ends; leave her to God/fate in this matter. Work to let go of any vengeance and retribution.
Originally Posted by PeterPan
I did not want to file for divorce but apparently this is the only way for me to keep my dignity and do not be her doormat..
Not true. Filing for divorce will get you divorced.
Dignity, not being a doormat, becoming healed and whole, becoming the best version of yourself, and so on - has nothing to do with being the one to file.
Remain kind and cordial to W. Implement boundaries on disrespectful direct behaviour. GAL. Focus on you. Keep moving forward. And detach. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself right now.
