I don’t know if anyone is reading my thread anymore…seems like most of the people who came here when I was going through my divorce are no longer here. I’ve been pretty preoccupied with thoughts lately and just feeling the need to tell them to people who will get what I’m talking about. OW’s recent passing has prompted a lot of self reflection and thoughts about grief in its many forms. XH’s mom made a comment to me the other night that maybe her son will now have some idea about what he put me through four and a half years ago. Initially, I kind of agreed with her and then, after much thought, I realized that what he is going through is only a piece of what I went through. There are some similarities for sure but there are many differences as well.

The similarities are that both of us lost our partners. Both of us had the life we thought we would have ripped away from us by circumstances beyond our control. We both have had to accept that the life we had is now over and must move forward and build a new life. But that is where the similarities end and where the grief and the grieving process are quite different.

If someone had asked me before I went through this which was worse… having your spouse leave you for another person or having them die, I would have chosen the latter, no doubt. I would have said that someone dying is so much worse than having them leave…and it is…for the person who died…because they don’t get to live anymore. But for the person left behind…not so much.
When someone dies, support for the grieving spouse is automatic. People rally around and tell you how bad they feel for you. They send you cards and flowers and bring you food. They talk about how wonderful you and your spouse were as a couple and share all of the good memories they have of your partner and of the two of you together. They hold a “celebration of life” and you are surrounded by the people who loved your partner and who loved you as a couple. You can still wear your wedding ring and when you look at it, it gives you comfort to know that you loved and were loved…until death parted you. The pictures on your wall remain on your wall. You look at them and are reminded of the time you spent together and you draw strength from those memories.
Contrast that experience with that of being cheated on and left abruptly.

Initially, you get some support from the people closest to you but it is not the same. No one sends you cards or flowers or brings you food. The people who do show up don’t talk about how wonderful you were as a couple and share good memories of your spouse. Instead, they search their memory banks for memories that indicate the opposite and share those with you. They tell you that you are better off without them. They don’t understand why you are grieving the loss of someone who betrayed you in such a hurtful way. They quickly tire of your sadness and want you to be happy you weren’t stuck in the marriage longer than you were.

You look down at your wedding ring…the one you were so proud to wear…and you feel like a fraud and a weak person because you are still wearing it. The pictures on the wall that once meant so much are now a source of pain and confusion. You don’t want to take them down because in your heart you are still married but leaving them up seems wrong too. When you go back in time and look at photographs of your life together, you don’t look at them in the same way. You don’t smile over the happy memories. Instead, you zero in on the face of your absent spouse and look for signs in their expression that they were unhappy or angry and wonder how you could have missed it. You look at the dates and relate them to the affair. Pictures of our family trip to Mexico. Yep…he was cheating on me then. My 50th birthday. Yes…cheating on me then. Pictures out at a pub with their cousins a month before BD. Yes…then too. All of your good memories…the ones that would comfort you had your spouse died…are now tainted and called into question. Was ANY OF IT ever real?

And then there is the shame and the hit to your self esteem. These are not feelings that occur when your loved one dies. You don’t question your intelligence or the faith you had in the other person. You don’t feel the shame of being so trusting of someone who was so “obviously” untrustworthy. You don’t look in the mirror and wonder what is wrong with you that someone you loved so much would just walk away with barely a backwards glance. You don’t feel unlovable or unworthy. You don’t question if anyone would ever be attracted to you again. These questions are only asked by the person who was left behind by choice, not by chance.

Then there is the aftermath when you have children who keep you connected. You have to watch your spouse move on and build a life with someone else. In my case, my H immediately started living with OW out in the open full time. Before the ink was dry on our separation agreement, they got engaged and bought a house. They had family pictures taken with our kids and her kids and filled up their walls with pictures as if they were trying to convince other people it was them who had been together for 13 years and that I had never existed. I had to hand my kids over every other week for a week at a time and upon their return, listen to them talk about their “brother” and “nana” and “papa - people I didn’t know and who didn’t know me. And every time I heard about these people, I had to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was okay when, in reality, it was like a knife plunging straight into my chest. And while I know that no one can ever replace me in the hearts and minds of my children, it is not lost on me that in every other way, I was effectively replaced. That doesn’t happen when someone dies. People don’t act like they never existed.

Anyway… I promise I am not “backsliding” or cultivating resentments. I really am in a good place overall. Grateful for the life I have now and for lessons learned post-divorce. Just really needing an outlet to work through some of these residual thoughts and feelings.

Big (((HUGS))) to all. DV