I would suspect you will detach and find indifference. Do be aware and cautious, other feeling will loom large, will feel stronger, in the void of the numbness that once held such love and almost desperation for reconciliation and hope and such. Don’t make decisions upon such illusionary strengths.
DnJ - could you explain this a bit more? I think I'm getting better at detaching (not sure about indifference). What other feelings could be heading my way? I'm still sad and grieving my past relationship quite a bit of the time but definitely much calmer and more rational.
Emotional detachment is when one is no longer uncontrollably dragged about by their spouse’s words and/or behaviours. One still feels, just not so uncontrolled.
Indifference is the loss, or the major attenuation of feelings towards one’s spouse. As such, their words and/or behaviour just don’t matter anymore. One is indifferent.
Indifference is temporary. In time, concern and compassion returns. Our feelings return. Yet, we are still detached - not dragged about.
It is pretty amazing this emotional journey and lesson. And you will find that you will be able to conjure up indifference pretty quickly after this. Exerting your control of thought to influence your emotions. Or lack thereof, in this case.
To be clear, indifference is not usually a state we live our lives in. For pretty much everything, everyone, every aspect of my life, I either love, hate, like, or dislike. I’ve not much that has absolutely no emotional reference or memory.
That is the heart of the caution. All those feelings of loving H, hating H, liking and disliking, become absent. A void. A vacuum. And nature abhors a vacuum. Our other emotions will appear larger as they expand to fill the space. What feelings might one expect?
My big warning is temptation. Feelings of attraction towards other people. Those fuzzy feelings really stand out in contrast to the blank backdrop of our numbness towards our spouse. My advice do not act upon these. Dating during this time is a huge temptation. We feel fine; great even. It will feel like this is permanent. Like it’s acceptance. However, this is temporary.
Be patience, indifference does unwind. And the depression stage of grief really kicks in. All perfectly normal, our feelings no longer so focused and attached to our spouse, they turn inward. Depression is our emotional loss expressed internally. Us finding acceptance with it.
Some other feelings. Joy, happiness, and such. Those have been muted for a while dealing with one’s situation and spouse, and now they spring up. It’s very interesting to see and feel the world sans spouse.
From my own experiences:
All those feelings. The attraction, the temptation, the happiness, the joy; looking back all were less then now. At the time, they felt so much bigger. Of course, I was still hurt during this time, and had not gained acceptance yet. Although it felt like I kind of had. Ha, I was no where close to where I am now.
The big thing about indifference is I started feeling me again. Without all that emotional noise regarding XW and the situation. It was amazing and staggering to be devoid of care, or fear, or hope, for someone I spent 30+ years with. You can easily imagine how one could alter course amidst such.
This is an excellent time to delve deep into one’s self. I strengthened my beliefs and convictions that serve. Crafted those I aspired to. And I discarded and altered that which was less than desirable and did not serve. A lifetime process to be sure.
As I’ve said many times, the boundaries between stages is rather nebulous. There is not a well defined delimitation, we just slowly slide into an other stage. Somewhere along the way, indifference unwound. And somewhere I had truly entered depression.
I was still detached. I was not dragged about by my XW. And my feelings had returned. All that emotional reference and memory. And my gosh, memory brings on the depression. My world was pretty blank after bomb drop. It now turned grey and silent. The brief time of indifference an odd oasis in my bleak landscape.
Somewhere along the way two amazing things occurred. I didn’t realize at the time as they were the herald of the end of depression, for when you are in it, you only feel that. Grief lasts right up until the second it doesn’t. There is no warning or feeling of it’s end, it just happens.
The two things. I heard a bird. Again. For the first time, again. It was amazing. Such a song. I had not heard birds singing, or much of anything for a long time.
The second. Color returned. The rich green of grass. The blue of the sky. The red of a sunset. Like the bird, I actually was engaged in it. It was incredible!
Only in looking back can I see how grey and silent my world was. How devoid of color and sound my existence was. Living it, I felt it, I knew of it, yet not the extent of it.
Indifference. Feelings appear much larger and feel much stronger against such a grey void. Let them flit, and look to your convictions.
