Hi DnJ,

Thanks for coming here and posting! The incident with the VR set was so funny, S9 would ask me "dad do you know what you are facing?"and I was saying "look, all I know is I am in bar and I have a big metal table in front of me!"and he burst into laughing.

Originally Posted by DnJ
It does take time and effort to transmute the venomous words one’s once loving spouse says. For me, I had complete trust and faith in my wife, and therefore her words had unfettered access into my belief system. That is why your rational view of self gets skewed or tumbled about.

I always assumed she was the person that knew me best, the one that had access to my rough corners and no matter how bad our M was, not once I considered giving up or seeking fun outside. I have met W since D that have told me I am a great man and have all it takes to make someone the happiest next to me, and yet my brain circles back to those hurtful words she told me over and over at home in Munich. I need to work harder on the source of my perception of myself and the values that guide me.


Originally Posted by DnJ
There are four paths we all walk - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. The first two, physical and intellectual, one can directly control - thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Emotions and feelings rise and fall. They are born and live in the non-rational realm of ourselves. And they are fleeting unless reinforced.

Beliefs. Those deeply held values and convictions, motivations for how and why one lives their life as they do, are very slow to change. It takes concerted purposefully effort to shift one’s convictions. That slow to alter is the very reason they make excellent headings for life. Strengthen those beliefs that serve, crafted convictions which you aspire to, and altered or discarded that which does not serve.

All four aspects of ourselves interact and exert influence upon all. Good physical labour influences feelings of happy, productive, sated, fulfillment, and so on. Positive thoughts encourage positive feelings and accompanying actions.

The same way negative begets negative. Feelings of depression lead to depressive thoughts and actions. Which in turn reinforce one’s feelings.

Beliefs are influenced as well, however they are most often more the underlying foundation of one’s life and choices (when followed or listened to, folks in crisis or emotional turmoil being an excellent example of running and hiding away from their value system).

The usual path towards healed and wholeness starts with that which we can control. We rationalize and do act as if. Intellect and physical activity. These directly controllable efforts influence our emotional self. This is the path of grief and loss, finding emotional understanding, acceptance.

The spiritual side, faith, belief, values, whatever one likes to call it, is deep within. You’ve likely hear the wise counsel of “answers will reveal themselves when you are calm”. This is most true. One can hear their deeply-held convictions when they are calm.

Like influencing one’s emotions state, thought and physical action can strengthen, craft, and alter one’s beliefs. It is a slow process. The transmuting of poisonous words for example. Getting to a place where those words have no power of you. We first understand that, then we even feel it, yet something still nags and tugs from within.

Altering a belief or value is a life altering event. After all, convictions are the underpinning of self. They are not fleeting like emotions, and not directly controllable like thoughts. The realization in organizing one’s belief system is actually organizing one’s self. Seeing and understanding the how and why of one’s life. It’s a life long pursuit.

When all four paths are aligned much peace and contentment is found.

I imagine this is the reason why when I could focus back on work, started reading all my great books and poured all my frustration into physical activity, I started seeing things from a different perspective and really building the new man I am now. I feel like I am missing the step when I fully forgive myself for past errors and can find peace in this new life, divorced and co parenting for the next X years.

Here I understand is where is need to make peace with my demons, live with those fears about exW and my future and realize that by living through them I will prove myself that I am much stronger than I believe. Instead of going back to a free or trauma mind, find peace with my post trauma life and the baggage I will carry from now on.

Now when I look at the past 3 years, something tells me my beliefs and core values where in the background always beating, like the heart in Poe's story, however my emotional desperation had blocked them. I would come here and read Steve's comment saying, Pack if your W had been unfaithful in the M, how would you have reacted? and then think, he is so damn right, what are you fighting for you tin-head! Same now with my career, I think a lot about how could it would be to move to the US and build a career in NY or CA but my core immediately brings me back to earth and shouts (not without the kids Pack, nothing will come in between you and them again). What I am trying to say is that the compass guided by my values is still there and I just had forgotten about it. All I need is techniques to overcome those thoughts and set my mind ahead.

I recently watched a great TEDx about overcoming heartbreak and it covered all the things this board provides. Get a life, stop idealizing the R (fog), think about exW flaws, fill up your PIES and recognize that you are emotionally a wreck and will be distracted for a longer period than you expected. I was watching the video and thinking about this forum and how lucky I am I had the drive to come and join this community.

Quote
We all have a finite amount of time to invest. And yes, finding that balance is tricky. Think quality of time over quantity of time.

This is great advice, I will continue to work on this. The challenge I face is that when I have all business meetings is the time when S9 needs some support with homework and S5 wants his afternoon snack. I tell myself always, there are 2 kinds of weeks, no kids and give it all at work, kids and accept that I cannot be nowhere as productive. I have learned to live like this. I run often when I dont have the kids, I handle my financial issues, get my haircut and so on those weeks.

It's funny because as a loving strong man, you now the quality time with them is what matters, but you also want to shine at work to be able to offer them a great home, travelling experience, the possibility to study abroad and hobbies to enjoy with you. At least I feel it this way, which is good because is a strong drive I have to perform at work and have a great career. However, I also know by the time I am in my 40s, S9 will be 20 and I guess maybe then I can move again and they will want to come with me, idk, I am just thinking.

This post has really given me fuel to refocus on Pack and my PIES. Clearly the emotional dimension is the one I need to polish the most now. I am on it!

Thanks DnJ