If I reflect on my reasons for wanting this, I will admit that its partly just to see him & hear him but there is another part that wants this all to be amicable.
The LBS doesn’t get to choose if it’s amicable or not. It’s completely out of your control. I wish I could tell you differently, but that’s the ugly truth. If he wants it to be amicable, it will be. If he wants to burn it to the ground, you catching up for coffee is going to make ZERO difference. Don’t do it.
The first part of your quote is really what’s going on. You’re fabricating reasons to try and see him because, totally understandably, you’re struggling emotionally.
You need to stop making decisions and concocting plans with your emotions, and rely only on DBing techniques and the advice of veterans on this site.
We know it’s hard, definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done!
I absolutely believe you need to be getting professional help with managing your emotions on days when you are down. We can’t do that for you here. We can identify what we think is going on, and how you should DB it, but this really needs some counselling to assist with getting past these difficult days without falling into old patterns.
The other thing, is I sense you’re really struggling with loss of control. That’s what’s really bubbling under the surface here. You put on a brave face for a few days, do all the right DB things, but then when you realise he’s not falling back into your arms or changing - you try and come up with something to take control and move it towards where you want (like a coffee date).
When people say on this site “drop the rope”, it means “stop trying to analyse, control, manipulate or fix things.” Any attempts to do so will just cause you grief and potentially make reconciliation less likely.
You really need to explore some of these issues with a professional.
Hang in there MA. It will get better. You’re strapped into the roller coaster of divorce, and you’ve just left the boarding station. You can try whatever you like, but this thing has to zoom upside down and round and round for a while - and you can’t get off, you can’t change the trajectory, and you can’t reverse backwards into the station. You need to hold on, accept you can’t do a damn thing, and perhaps at the end of this violent ride (2-5 years) when the track is finished and you roll into the station, he’ll be there waiting.
Learn to be a train passenger, not the train conductor.
