I think the hardest realization that I’ve come to is that she’s on her own road and it doesn’t have room for me. That hurts. But I’ve kept myself busy in the meantime. I find that I’m able to immerse myself in my hobbies to clear my head. Between that and the kids I think I’m doing as well as I can for now.
I went for a long run and workout this morning, which really clears my head. And I’ve learned that I can keep myself busy and concentrate on the tasks at hand. It’s the nights that are the worst…that’s when thoughts invade because sleep isn’t easy to come by these days. I think I’ve counted everything on the ceiling/walls so many times that I’m starting to categorize them.
At night I often find myself going back to earlier times and I sift through everything trying to find what went wrong. Every time is the same. Our relationship was very good, or so I thought. We rarely fought but every time we always made up. Our decisions were always mutual - if either wanted something, go somewhere, etc., we always discussed and agreed. Never any bad. That’s why I am so confused and was totally blindsided.
It was after BD that she started saying stuff like I held her back or it was my fault when things went wrong as they always do. Everything became my fault. And she told me that she never should have married me.
I learned in the military to compartmentalize things. That’s coming in handy now. Thanks for letting me talk.
