Sometimes posts seem to be aiming for a positive divorce rather than how I save a marriage.
I would like you to consider something. Why can’t it be both?
What I mean is everything here is for you. You are the most important person in your life. You need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others.
I am pro-marriage. My basic view is if, and really only if, you need financial protection or security; or there is abuse or such; then get a divorce. In some jurisdictions, and I do not know your’s or most anyone’s here, there is no legal protection while “working things out” or while negotiating separation. For example, a LBS could be left high and dry if their spouse skipped town and stopped paying their portion of the bills. Some of the other horror stories, is the wayward spouse starts burning through the savings. If one isn’t aware or prepared, suddenly all their life savings are gone. The posts are mostly awareness and for one to be informed.
Other than that, leave the heavy lifting to the one who wants out. You don’t place boulders upon the path, and your don’t help them either. You can only control you, so you keep your side of the street clean and let your partner own their choices.
Yes, that is more a positive than negative, though not promoting. Like I said, it’s for you. Going at things calm also helps detach and make sound reasoned decisions if they need to be made. Like speaking with a L long before you actually get to when you need them. If that even happens.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm sure I've not got all this right so any pearls of wisdom, particularly about how I get him out of the house are welcomed!
Lol!
You are doing fine. You are a quick study.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I reiterated that he should leave as soon as he can as this was the right thing to do for both of us to have some time and space to focus on our own needs.
For most situations it is usually best to not promote them leaving. Nor to tell them what to do. One’s spouse is likely feeling regret, guilt, shame, etc, on top of the depression which the whole mess is a symptom of. They don’t want to feel bad, and certainly not worse than they do, so they look around for someone to blame. That usually is the LBS.
Your kids are older teenagers. How well did they listen when they were in their rebellious stage? H is like that. Or likely will be. The best way to get him to do something is for him to come to it on his own. Telling, even helpful advice, is often seen as controlling and one’s spouse will lash out and work against it. Even when said advice is in their best interest. (You don’t need to look very far to see that proof. H’s present situation is no where near best for him or anyone.)
Mention once, maybe twice, and then stop repeating. Let go and let them own their choices.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I've arranged to meet a friend tomorrow afternoon for a coffee & D is going to do a pamper session with me in the morning. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
