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Good Morning MA

I’ve been where you are. I was once so churned up, so sure I could not live without my spouse, so worried and fearful of what would happen to me and the family.

Betrayal is horrible. The wounds are deep and jagged.

And they do heal.

Honest.

(((Hug)))

Just breathe.

Finding detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment, no longer being uncontrollably dragged around emotionally by H’s words, actions, or behaviours.

You are making good progress. Asking questions seeks rationalization of events and breeds detachment. Rationalizing regains control/influence over one’s runaway emotions.


Detachment is peaceful. You had your focus elsewhere - explaining and talking about H, rather than dwelling on what might happen and is happening. A step removed from things. Detached.


We still feel things. We still need to feel things. Even when detached. We just aren’t dragged around.

You know you can be detached for a length of time. Now you work on lengthening that.

Scheduling a time to feel and cry let’s go those emotions and furthers detachment. Letting your emotions wash over you creates less pent up feelings, which reinforces the “feeling better” you are working towards. This is you taking charge over your emotional state. And in time, as you heal, you will find less and less need to schedule such.


I understand, and have felt that way too.

Realize your intellect is stronger than your feelings. You directly control your thought, actions, and reactions. Just because you feel something does not make it actionable.


Yep. Lies were the likely outcome. Kind of funny how they spin their ridiculous tall tales with such a straight face.

The biggest problem with lies happens when the liar starts to believes them. Reality then gets blurred and one is truly lost.

The LBS has very little to no control over their spouse’s path. Any efforts to alter or speed up their spouse’s journey are at best neutral, and usually end up prolonging it. Continued pressures from the LBS will more entrench their spouse.


What was his response to this?


Maybe. The future is unwritten, and no one can accurately predict it.

You become the best version of you. You save yourself, so no matter what happens you will be alright. And gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.


It depends upon the person.

For someone stepping outside of their marriage, the illicit behaviour/relationship has a drug like hold. The fog clouds their judgement and shrouds their other feelings. Limerence takes time to dissipate. Most estimates put that process around 18 months. One can easily double that if the person is in crisis or MLC.

That estimate is for the fog to clear. Lots of other fateful things can happen. For example, the OW could throw him out; he might snap awake to what he is losing. In such scenarios H might control himself and walk the proper path. However, his feelings still need to be processed and take time to subside.

Of course, the affair and the affair partner are merely a symptom of a deeper internal conflict. Some folks realize this and dig deep or get help, others ignore or push aside their inner pain which usually has it rise up again. For that which is buried alive will come back to haunt.

This is where us LBS are. Facing our inner turmoil and conflicts and fears and such. Plenty gets stirred up within us from our spouse’s unwanted behaviour. Find acceptance and ensure you don’t just burry it.


H doesn’t even know what he means. He is living two (or more) lives right now.

I know how you want certainty. How you want answers. Trust and have faith. Both are coming. And both will not be in the manner you expect them.

Let go or be dragged.


At first, a lot of what you hear will feel wrong. The advice goes against our default behaviours.

Let me tell you something. I hated hearing the advice when I first got here. Hated it! Things will get worse before they get better. Be better not bitter. Let go or be dragged. Focus on you. You control you. Post often. And so on.

However, hating was a feeling. I knew folks who had gone before me would have much hard-earned wisdom. So I worked to hear and heed with intellect, and just feel what I feel. A counterintuitive path, until it isn’t.


Hang in there. You will make it.

D