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Yep. MWD talks about the last resort technique, after the last resort techniques, ultimatums and going dark. These are proactive, powerful things that show you are serious. They almost never get mentioned or implemented on the forums. The nature of a forum leads to lots of analysis about every conversation, text and facial expression in the relationship. The only real change you need to make it clear, solid, boundaries and being hard-core about what you want and need. People respond to that. Being an emotional chameleon, "trying" to be detached doesn't work. Set boundaries, set ultimatums. This is hard, but, it helps avoid all the back and forth. Does she want to be married to you or not? Thus far it doesn't sound like it. Act on that. If you want something else, state it. You can say, "If you want to work on this marriage, fine, if you don't, I have some decisions to make in the next few weeks." Strength and clarity are attractive.
LH, I know you have a gift for remembering all kinds of details in different posters' situations, so I'm fairly sure you're aware it behooves me to wait until this summer at the earliest before bolting. In fact, I don't think you have advised me to do otherwise.
That said, would you mind throwing me any details of how you came to move out for 3 months during your situation? The one who wants a D should be the one to move out, right?
When I spoke with a lawyer last May, he told me that if one person really wants the divorce, they usually need to be the one to move out, at least to get the ball rolling. I have a colleague who said a judge ruled on which spouse had to vacate in her situation (there were kids involved). I have no idea how common that one is. There's also the counselor from when W and I did the few sessions last summer who said people agree to lie about their IHS timeline to speed up the process and no one is the wiser as far as the paperwork. In my state (and most?) you have to be separated for a year when there are kids before D goes through.
Doug I left my house the night it unfolded to stay with a friend. Basically lived out of a suitcase for 3 months. This was all before I found DB. The bakery was definitely open and I was serving cake big time.
You can D and live together until it’s final and whoever finds another house. Although not ideal it’s definitely doable. I’m not a don’t do the heavy lifting supporter. Do what you need to do to get the best deal and move it along. The longer it drags out the worse it feels for both parties.
This of course is only if you are ready to pull the trigger.
