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Not even sure where to begin. I made it through the holidays with minimal damage. Thanksgiving was hard, yet it was done in a way that would have made her smile.
As I drifted into December and the season of giving, there were some really rough days including one where I had to walk away from a cart in a store and spend quite some time before I felt fine enough to drive home.
Christmas was her favorite time of the year, even so much that she pulled me into her love for it. I had always loved that time of the year, yet this year reminded me that I think that I loved her love for it more than I loved the day. The way she would light up at the end of the Macy's parade when ole St Nick would appear, and she would announce that "Thanksgiving is over, Christmas time is here !! "
Up to me, I wouldn't have decorated, it was too hard. Thinking back to end of May/beginning of June, her Son and his Wife and I had discussed this time of the year, and decided that they would come up from FL to help decorate this year and have one more of "her" Christmas'. Then they would come back up in January to help pack everything away, where we would separate some of her decorations that have been with her since her childhood, and his decorations from when he was younger.
At first, I gotta say that it was hard to see those things. Most of what we have are things that we did together. One of our joint hobbies was antiques and crafting things. I would make whatever she had in mind and she would do the final touches/painting/stenciling of them. So we have a lot of rustic Christmas decorations that are homemade by us. She would see something and say, "make this for me please", and it would get done....
I had zero energy for any of that, inside or out, yet once it was done, I felt a smile come over me that she was there with me in the Spirit of the season. The triggers though, wow.....
Somehow though, I got through it, mainly with the help of some good friends, and having my kiddos with me.
I had expected the holidays to be hard, what I didn't expect was how hard the thought of the new year was going to hit me. Knowing that 2022 was the last year that I would see her smile, and talk to me was harder than I could have ever imagined. Knowing that my life will go on in 2023, and I won't hear her voice and she won't be with me ....sigh
Those thoughts though....whatever they are, are pushing me to go forward. I've decided that I don't want to feel like this forever, and I'm the only thing stopping me from having forward progress and positive thoughts about what my life will look like in 2023.
I'm actually doing okay with it so far. Trying to focus on the good, trying to not let what's happened define what can be. I have zero clue what my future looks like, all I know for 100% is that I am supposed to be in it.
It's been 31 weeks today, and I still hear her voice and smell her around me. Everything in me knows that she is gone, yet I still feel that closeness that we shared. I still crave her presence and company. I assume that is something that will always be there. Honoring her isn't dwelling on what's been lost though. Honoring her means living a life that is full of smiles and laughter, struggles and triumphs. That is my goal, to try and honor her by living that life.
In doing that, I have to be there for myself first, living it for real , and knowing that it does exist. And if ever there comes a time when she helps put someone in my path, I hope that it will be pure and real, not something forced and fake. I have to get there for me first though....herein lies the struggle...
The stuff with my Father and stepmother is taking it's own course. Decisions are being made without my input, and letting it all go is beginning to look like it was my one best option. Apparently, my childhood home will be for sale in the near future without my input or knowledge, and it is what it is. My promise to him was to help her in any way that I could, and if this is what it takes, then I am fine with it.
It's concrete, wood, and paint. And while memories of my childhood and Father come from there, he isn't there anymore. Realistically, I left there 30 years ago , and while I miss him dearly, life without him isn't much different than living it before, other than our weekly/bi-weekly phone calls have stopped. I will grieve him down the road when I get to a better place. I simply cannot grieve them both at the same time.
Anywoo.....
Just some journaling for now, it allows me to see where I am vs where I've been....
If you made it this far, you'll get a 2% cashback option on your monthly bill sometime in August.
