Reeling, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad that you have decided to not initiate contact with your H. It is a difficult thing to do, but I do think it gives the LBS a sense of control in a crazy situation.

Originally Posted by Reeling
She said he told her he wanted to fix things with me. I told her I’d seen very little evidence of that from him and she said he frequently told her he was confused about what he wanted and changed his mind from day to day. She then insisted she herself was hoping he and I would be able to fix things. WTF…

This must have been very hard to hear. It seems that it does show just how lost the WAS is, though. In this case, it's not just your foggy-brained WAH—the OW herself is a confused WAS confused who evidently sought out the affair as a bandaid for her own issues.

It's cold comfort, but from what the OW is saying, it seems that your H was thinking about you a lot during the affair...

Originally Posted by Reeling
He shows very, very little remorse – he mainly feels sorry for himself and the fact that most of his friends and family are now furious with him - and seems incapable of empathy or understanding my pain. He insists he did want to fix our marriage but it’s too late now, he’s totally screwed up so there’s no point. (Right, because that makes sense.)

This self-absorbed, defeatist behavior seems very common among WAS in the reconciliation process, from what I've read on these boards. It's seems very painful for the WAS to face the destruction they've caused. They're weak and scared of rejection. But they might be able to draw strength from their LBS.

Originally Posted by Reeling
He won’t answer any of my questions about the details (where did you kiss her, how many times, etc) I feel I need details to heal but am resigned to never getting them – or at least not getting them anytime soon. I asked him if I was in right in my theory that she kissed him before leaving for Australia. He got flustered and said no, then got more flustered and said “it was just a goodbye kiss”. He is clearly lying.

Why do you think you need to know the details to heal? Do you really want those images in your head? The questions seem motivated by your (very justified!) anger. Meanwhile, your H is not ready to be honest. At some point, it probably would be necessary to talk about the A for your (and his) healing, but I imagine it's a series of conversations better conducted in a calmer state—and with professional guidance.