Here's the need to write down everything from the last month. After all, it is here that my full story has already been written down, along with all the feelings I have experienced these past years.
First of all, everything is going well, I feel that I still have everything on track and lead a normal and happy life again, only now without EXH, which I have fully accepted by the way.
The Cognitive behavioral therapy is also going better than I could have ever hoped for. A lot comes up, things that I absolutely did not know about myself and that I’m fully working through, this with the help of an incredibly good therapist. I can only say that this is very enriching.
The children are also doing very well. They have completely settled into their new life (and our new home) and the bond with their father is gently restoring in a positive direction. They helped him move into his new home this week that he bought. They still live with me full time, they now see him about once a week for a few hours, but they definitely don't want to sleep there yet. I respect this, so does he, and don't even ask about it.
The course I am taking is very intense and time consuming but really interesting. It makes me feel valuable to be able to do this.
The relationship with G (that's what I can call him again today) continues to be positive. We have very regular contact in a friendly way. Which helps is that the affair with OW2 has ended since the end of August, and I have the impression that he is moving positively towards acceptance again (see all the obvious signs described below), although he still has his relapses but these are very rare. His new job also does wonders, he genuinely likes it and that translates into a more positive attitude in all areas. He even asked me to look at his new house yesterday, as well as for an aperitif with our 2 best friends. However, I only stayed a very short time, partly because I had a date planned that same evening. He asked my opinion on where to put everything etc and the interaction was very nice.
I have also taken steps on a relational personal level. I went on a date for the first time last week, friendly man but it turned out that it's not immediately my thing, yesterday I had a new date. Was pleasant but I do notice that I am very selective, which maybe is not bad. The most important thing here for me is that I'm having fun. I don't want a man in my house tomorrow, I'm definitely not ready for that because I really enjoy my freedom as a single now, I just want to have fun, get to know people, and who knows, maybe something more in the future.
G also recently asked via message if I had met anyone. I've just been honest. That I'm open to it but for the time being I don't have anyone serious because I don't want to give up my freedom now.
Yesterday, after my visit to his house, he had also sent a message. That he really appreciated my opinion and that he was happy to see me again and that I looked really good. Weird to get something like that from him, haven't heard this from him in such a long time.
However, sometimes I still have the question, what if something would grow again between G and I? Would I still allow this? The weird thing is I don't have an answer to that…sometimes I think, no, so much has happened, he hasn't been a beautiful person in many ways, certainly not the last few years with his MLC, but he wasn't the easiest before either. Now I lead a life where I decide 100% myself where I go, what I do, and I really love that. On the other hand I think, ok, but being alone is only alone, I sometimes miss sharing things and moments with someone I love, and with a new person it won't always be all sunshine neither…and I still have a familiar and pleasant feeling towardd G when we interact with each other.
I am convinced that I have let him go completely, but this is still a question mark. Is this because deep down I still love him and the familiarity we had with each other in my eyes is the easier way or do I really not want him anymore but I maybe that I hope that one day he realizes what he has thrown away, that he also feels a little bit how much he has hurt everybody around him.
Let this be the only question marks I have today, so I can't complain at all, hey, that was once different. LOL
Now at the airport as I will be traveling alone for a few days. A little ME-time. Looking forward to it.
