And she sounds pretty savvy because she is calling you out on the validation. However, that doesn't mean you stop. Both detaching and validating have a simple truth....."Practice makes perfect." So stop using canned responses and really try to understand her feelings. Then validate them. "I feel trapped in this marriage." Response: "Wow, I had no idea it was that bad for you. That has to be a terrible feeling." The suggested responses are simply examples. Quoting them without sincerity or feeling will be sniffed out by the savvy WASs. And detachment is not ignoring. If you're ignoring her you're doing it wrong. Look at it more as just not being the one to initiate interaction. And when she does, interact for a short time, then have places to be and things to do.
Thank you for this response. Validating doesn’t come naturally to me, so I know it’s a work in progress. I'm reading a book right now called The Lost Art of Listening to try and help with that also. I didn’t have emotional support when I was young so I learned to live without it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help relationships with other people, particularly a W who experienced a ton of childhood trauma. Learning the hard way, but I’ll get there. And I’ve been trying to validate with everyone I interact with as needed, just to improve.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
As far as doing things for her. Here's a question: Do you want her to respect you, or to be your friend? Being a friend to someone you want more with [censored]! And will cause you to behave it was that do not command respect. Most LBS would rather be liked than respected. Which is why there are so many divorces. So stop doing those things. "Can you stop by the store and get me X." "No I don't have time for that." "Can you make me a sandwich?" "No, you can make your own sandwich." "Can you drive me to Y?" "No, that's something a husband does for a wife and you're are firing me as your husband."
She will get upset. She will get angry. She may not even like you for it. But she will respect you.
This helps. It’s hard because she can be demanding at times, but I understand the assignment! Thank you for your feedback. It definitely helps.
Also, do not apologize. This is something LBS struggle with. Notice the responses I listed. They don't say " Sorry, I don't have time." Just "No. I don't have time." Its hard not to apologize, but you definitely shouldn't.
