Hey sweetie. Ok, so, you know I love you. So does Mach. It is why we want to see you happy. I have no doubt that you are proud of yourself for what you have accomplished and for raising such an amazing girl.
Having said that...why are you so shocked at how people are reacting to your leaving your job? Why is it so hard to believe...given how well you are at it and the relationships you are formed?
Aside from that...you know a lot of my story. Alcoholic mom who crushed my soul. Not her fault in that she was broken, but, nonetheless those were the results. Raised my baby sister alone because dad was passive and checked out. Had police at the house, mom arrested numerous times, almost taken away by DYFS, alcoholic violent brother...and on it goes. She didn't choose to end her life as yours did so I am in no way comparing. I then married a man who continued to make me feel as she did..unworthy, useless, not enough.
At some point, I had to truly know in my heart that they were wrong.... in order to survive and thrive. I had to own that how they treated me and what they said wasn't true. It had to do with how they felt about themselves projected on me.
When you really and truly feel that deep down in your soul...you are there.
The fact that you reached out to this last guy one last time tells me you aren't. He said what he did about no needing to be in a relationship and you needed to hear it, right?
But you were hoping that the phone call would either give you closure or have him rethink his decision. I know you are going to say that wasn't it, but, I think it was. You did it with most of the others.
That doubt, that needing the validation that it wasn't you, is what I think Mach is trying to get you to see.
I would be sad if someone ended something with me and would think about my possible contribution to them deciding that. But once I came to realize that it wasn't anything on my end that I did purposefully, they wouldn't hear from me.
One of the most important things I learned from this journey..is to try to hear people. I mean really hear them. The other thing I learned is that if someone doesnt want to be with me...it is their loss. Not because I am so great...but, because I am true to who I am. If that doesnt suit someone, then, I shouldnt be in his life.
I think you believe that you dont need someone, but, it isnt how you come across in your words. There is a huge difference between needing and wanting. When we want someone in our lives, it is because we know who we are and what we bring to the table. It is when we are confident that we have value.
The fact that you think it is you, that you may have said or done something or that there is something wrong with you is what isnt good.
And you do feel that. You have written those exact words. And that comes across to them whether you realize it or not.
I would like to see you not say you should have been a drug addict due to your upbringing. I should have been too, then. I dont say that though because it negates all the hard work I put into me. I should be exactly who I am. Otherwise I am putting all the power in my mother's and ex-husbands hands. It doesnt belong there. I belongs in me.
Understand that I am not minimizing at all what you have been thru. I could not imagine losing my mother at a young age and getting divorces while pregnant. The fact that you made it through that is amazing and should be celebrated by you living your life knowing that you are enough.
That's where your power lies. Knowing in your heart that any guy would be truly lucky to be with you. It is knowing that you are amazing and wonderful and if you find someone that see that then lucky him.
We all like to be told good things about ourselves. It's nice. But your true validation comes from within you.
So proud of you for going for that job. Make it a new step in your life. One that you feel you deserve because you are great.
Let it also be the first step in how you feel about relationships. You can bring so much to someone's life because you are you.
I have been telling you for a long time to try something different. Wait before you sleep with them. Have the mindset that you dont need them...you want to share something with them. You say that you are closed off but yet you go all in in so many ways. Let it develop slowly.
