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I think what I’m saying is I struggle to implement. I guess I want my cake too. My cake is I want peace in my home and to disengage from MLC H but worry there won’t be peace if I disengage. I feel responsible for making sure the house stays calm. That our grandsons & granddaughter don’t experience Monstering.
I can relate to how you feel this way. I felt this way about my relationship and XH as well. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and that there was nothing I could do right. So I felt worse. Like I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't doing enough. The truth was there in front of me, but it took a long time for me to see it. I was never going to do enough. This is because his behavior is his responsibility. The truth is that you can be nice and play house or you can disengage, and either way if he wants to monster he will. And he may not care if the grandchildren hear/see it. At its most basic, these monstering behaviors are selfish and self-centered behaviors. They are responding to their own pain, which overrides anything else.
I understand wanting to protect your grandchildren. I don't recall you mentioning whether their parent(s) also live in the house. Are the children under your responsibility and care or are they just visiting? Are they able to stay elsewhere during periods where your H is acting out? I'm not suggesting any of these things, I'm just trying to understand your situation and its complexity.
I 'played house' with my XH for about six months while he was actively involved in his EA. We slept in separate rooms but shared meals and I did the laundry because I'm protective of my clothes. To make things more 'roommate' like he was also responsible for making dinners sometimes and such. I avoided most conversations but was civil and not overly friendly when we did discuss necessities. It felt like old times in many ways. But overall, our relations became closer to roommates than partners.
If you continue to play the role of wife, letting H sleep in a shared bed, making him dinner, and catering to his needs and moods, then you are enabling his cake eating. Why should he end his affair? What are the consequences or boundaries around what is fair to you? How is feeling this overwhelming responsibility or walking on eggshells good for you? What is fair to your grandchildren? They see and absorb more than you think. You are right, it's not an easy walk. You want to stand for your marriage, but part of that could be that he can't have both you and the AP. The key is to stop being there for him to confide in about life and such, stop doing things for him, and stop sharing a bed with him, and other wifely things. You can't nice him back (to provide the quote said to me on this forum). And being nice is no incentive for him to end his AF. He gets the best of both worlds with no consequences!
What you can do is share responsibilities with meals, laundry, and the grandkids equally. Be friendly but not warm in your interactions, stop being his confidant (keep conversations around necessities and nothing deep), avoid ALL relationship talks, and stop doing anything extra for him or to make him more comfortable. Go out and live your life without including him as much as possible. Be a roommate, not a wife or friend. If he doesn't already know that he can't have you and this OW at the same time, make that clear, then set your boundaries with consequences. If he monsters and misbehaves, then you may need to establish stronger boundaries, such as he may need to leave. From everything I have read, standing for your marriage is not putting up with the AF, and/or standing by playing wife while waiting for them to end it. It's letting H know that he can't have both, dropping the rope, and waiting to see if H returns to you. I stood for a while for my MR. But my XH did not end his affair and I also moved forward with D to protect my finances. And honestly, after detaching, I realized that I no longer want the MR I had...that most of it was centered around his needs even long before the AF. I deserve better. But I couldn't see any of that until I detached. It's only after you detach can you really stand for yourself and decisions become less tied to emotions and trauma.
I'm not familiar with a specific book about MLC. I found Hearts Blessing's articles helpful. I focused more on books that would support my own journey instead. The truth is you can only modify or influence your behavior. There is no magic bullet to help him snap out of what he is going through. Your focus should be on your life and your health and things you can control. Everything he does is not your responsibility or fault. These are decisions and choices he is making.
