I think it’s deceptively simple, this question of when yo date. - you should be sure that you’ll never take your ex back even if they came crawling - because it’s terribly unfair to a new partner to dump them for your ex.
- you need to be healed enough that you can make healthy choices in terms of whom you date. It’s too easy to grab the first thing to fill that void, or to repeat old patterns that led to you picking your ex in the first place.
In my case, I’d been DBing my marriage for years, had one successful reconciliation after his affair, and when he finally left, I was truly done. I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to save my marriage, and that I would never take him back under any circumstances. So I started dating a few months after my ex left, and my first relationship was so healing. It actually showed me so many things that had been missing with my ex.
The new guy was a father who put his adult children first (my narcissist ex did not). The sex was even better than with my exH (and we’d had a pretty great sex life). He didn’t care about my imperfections or normal body functions the way my ex did. (I still remember this boyfriend offering me a bowl of ice cream, which I tried to decline on the basis that I’m a little lactose intolerant and it would make me fart. His response was to encourage me to enjoy it and tell me he didn’t care if I farted ALL NIGHT. I still love him for that! My ex was mortified if I ever passed the tiniest bit of gas in his presence! )
And even though the new relationship was no fairy tale romance - he was a Love Avoidant who eventually dumped me when his old high school girlfriend reconnected with him - I’m ever so grateful to him for showing me that there was life and love after divorce. And we are still great friends 14 years later.
