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I'm sorry, it's me again, but I have a question that has been really bothering me and it's why I resist going dark and in fact, had been thinking of asking if we could have regular meet-ups. The question is related to this rule of Sandi's:
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
If I don't schedule a meet-up, we NEVER see each other. If I don't initiate a text, we NEVER speak. Therefore, how on earth can the R get "much better" during total radio silence and never seeing each other? This is what I'm struggling so much to understand. I almost start to panic at the idea that I will never be able to implement divorce busting strategies if I never see or hear from him. It doesn't help that he keeps making comments about moving overseas.
Can anyone help me understand this? Thank you!
You struggle with this because you do not understand why you should go dark. You think you should go dark to engender a change in behavior in him. I said in my previous response: "If I go dark, maybe he will start reaching out to me!"
You go dark because you are overly attached and need to work on emotional detachment. You go dark to remove your focus from him and saving your marriage and put it on you and your own self-improvements.
Reeling here is a simple truth: LBSs do not save their marriages from a position of weakness, they save their marriages from a position of strength!
Constantly reaching out and wanting regular meetups out of fear.....IS NOT A POSITION OF STRENGTH! Remember, there are no guarantees here. The likelihood is that you will end up D'd. Why? Because it takes two to make a marriage, only one to make a D. So drop your fear of D. Your problem is not whether or not he D's you. Your problem is how long you will allow him to hold you hostage? Do you want to be in limbo in 2 years from now?
One of the best pieces of advice I got in my situation was to set a drop dead date. In my case, it was one year after BD. It went like this: "If she isn't committed back to the MR fully and completely by the 1 year anniversary of BD, then I will go file for D myself." This gave me an end goal. To me, being in limbo for longer than a year was WORSE than ending up D'd.
Also, he has to feel a loss in order to have any chance of questioning what he is doing. You are not letting him feel your loss. You text, call, setup meetups. And that tells him "Hey, I can treat Reeling anyway I want, and if I want her back all I have to do is snap my fingers and she'll take me back!" Sadly, he is right. The worst thing that could happen Reeling is for him to comeback and for you to have NO requirements for his return. All you would be doing is setting yourself up for another BD in the future.
So what does reconciliation look like to you? What are your requirements for his return? Have you even thought about this? If you let him waltz right back home, guess what? You will have taught him that he can just come and go as he pleases! "Oh, Reeling made me mad, I am moving out! Because I can always just move back in anytime I want. I have her wrapped around my little finger!" Again, that is a position of weakness.
There are plenty of examples of failed Rs here on this forum because the LBS let the WAS waltz right back in. You need to have requirements. And you need to stick to them.
