Dink, I am going to speak frank here, so if you are not up for some frankness then just skip this post.
You are not DBing. You came to a forum called Divorce Busting, where we gave you advice related to how to handle this kind of thing. Instead you went on pure emotion, instinct and what comes natural to LBSs. I can assure you that emotion, instinct and what comes natural will get you to D faster than anything else.
You sent a short message saying that there was another man and you were done. Then you send a long message about confronting her, following her, and tracking her with your Ring doorbell. (Sorry, I was where you are at one point, but whether an animal tripped it or not, you looked for her vehicle.)
You broke so many DBing rules in how you handled this. First, you had an R talk with her. Then you used her comment about "better to not be here" (a very common statement by WWs by the way) as an excuse to go spend the night with her. Then you tracked her to OM's place, and confronted her. (Another 2x4, sitting out front blowing your horn? Really?) Then you committed the biggest mistake by point out to her all of the changes you made. You realize that when you do that, point to your changes, it immediately makes a WS believe that you are only doing that to manipulate them BACK to the marriage, right? "Look how good I have become!" They hear "I am changing just to get you back, and once you are back I will revert back to the way I was!"
WWs always always always justifiy their actions with the OM by saying "I told you I wanted a D." Or "From my perspective the marriage was/is already over." Or some variation thereof. That is why confronting, begging, pleading, using logic, etc rarely ever works. They fall back to the stance of "the marriage is over, I can do whatever I want". Better to NOT confront, beg, plead, use logic etc. The better tact to have taken would have been to drive by, confirm your suspicions by seeing her car. And going home. Next time she reached out you could say "I know what is really going on."
Then no matter how hard she presses you do not tell her WHAT you know, or HOW you know it. Only that you know. Then you go out and live your best life! GAL like a madman. Continue to cement your changes to the best version of yourself by BEING that person all the time, and getting into IC to hold yourself accountable. And detaching from her emotionally. Reread cadet's/job's first response and learn what that looks like.
You HAVE to change your dynamic with her in order to have any shot at getting her to change her mind. In fact, the best way to get her to change her mind is to fully embrace her desire to D. As the saying goes, you will never look more attractive to her as you will be walking away. Maybe you do not want to reconcile anymore after this? That is up to you. If that is the case, ignore this entire post. But I will say, that the actions you took in your last post sure indicate that you want to fight for her.
Finally, STOP talking. If you take no other advice please consider taking the advice to stop talking to her about all of this. A) you cannot believe a word she says B) the more you talk the more you break DBing rules C) no one has ever talked their way out of what they've acted their way into. Talk is cheap. Take action (preferably the ones I've laid out above) and stop trying to change her mind with words because it is not, and never will, work to convince her that she is in the wrong.
Dink, finally, I know this is tough. I get it. Everyone on this board has been where you have been to some degree or another. But it is always better to THINK about your actions before taking them. If it helps, post here BEFORE acting, and get this feedback first. A card laid is a card played in this game, you cannot undo what you've already done. Better to hear first what to expect rather than learn the hard way.
Oh, and one last thing I just remembered. The other reason confronting the way you did is a bad idea is because WWs have a tendency to make things seem worse than they were. She is already accusing you (false as it may be) of mental abuse. Do not give her the ammo to make even bigger false accusations. This forum has seen WWs that were more than willing to accuse an innocent LBH of physical abuse. Do not dismiss this as impossible, it certainly could get to that point for her to justify her actions. "I went to OM's house because I was scared about what your father might do to me while I was alone!" It becomes a he said-she said proposition at that point. So be careful.
