I do not believe you were ever the backup plan. Most LBS are not. He has been nothing but honest with you in the process but you chose not to listen to him saying oh that’s the MLC talking. That’s why IMO this board can get people stuck.
I believe most LBS are a backup plan. Not a well thought out, rational, realized, sitting on the shelf, plan B; more a fallback if things all fall apart. A safety net, like LH wisely and correctly stated.
If LBS are not considered a safety net or plan B, the removal of such would not matter.
If Eagle was never a plan, why did her H return.
Eagle, in my opinion, you’ve never been stuck. You have been moving forward. And quite well.
Originally Posted by LH19
Lastly I’m curious I read on Stella’s thread you told her to listen to the people on here because they are giving her great advice. Then you basically tell her to ignore it until she’s ready. Why would you tell her that knowing how much more pain she will likely go through?
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I don’t tell her to ignore it. I tell her to take it with her in the process she is going through. I don’t know how it felt for you but I know many, when they got the advice, they don’t want to follow all of it, or do it step by step, simply because they are not ready yet. And that’s ok. You need to do it at your own pace. Pressure is not a good way to act either. Some of them can do this fairly quick, I remember El took on the advice quickly, but that doesn’t mean that the pain is less of will go away. All I said to her, do what you feel is right for you, since you are the most important person in this process now. That’s all.
We all need to experience our pain. There is no shortcut. However, it can be unnecessarily extended. Well, perhaps not unnecessarily. Just as everyone requires a certain amount of understanding and rationalizing before being able to let go, everyone requires a level of experienced pain as well. We all need to touch the hot stove, no matter how many warnings.
We only control ourselves. And one will choose when they follow the advice of those that have come before.
Originally Posted by LH19
For the record I do believe that everyone here typically learns the hard way.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I'm not sure I agree with the implication of the 'typically learns the hard way' statement…
Originally Posted by LH19
BF I agree with you that you the greatest teacher is pain. As I said I believe our jobs as vets are to minimize the pain. I also agree that it’s a divorce busting website and everyone is presumably here to save their marriage. Fortunately the advice we give both reduces the pain and gives you the best chance to save your marriage. If you notice not many people here save their marriage because they have a difficult time DBing. Anyways one way or another we all survive.
Awesome discussion.
It’s not just here that everyone “learns the hard way”. That is true everywhere.
However, it’s not learning.
Learning can come the easy way or the hard way. Growth is always the hard way.
Pain is fantastic motivator, it is horrible teacher. Experience is the great teacher, not pain. And a lot of experience comes from our interaction with our pain and feedback of life.
One needs to see clearly to make choices to direct their path. Limit their pain, if you will.
All personal growth is painful. We only grow when out of our comfort zone. And being out of our comfort zone is scary, painful, intimidating, and so on. Everything and anything but comfortable. That is the realm of experience gaining and learning.
One can learn (or not) from other’s experience. Listen and apply the counterintuitive advice and wisdom of others. In this application there will be growth, oftentimes painful and unwanted. Ah, such is all growth.
As a vet… Ha, I suppose I am. My experience and wisdom was hard-earned.
As a vet, I freely share my views and beliefs and thoughts. I encourage those to listen to all advice and yet not necessarily heed all advice, for they must travel their path. Plenty of advice first sounds wrong to the one receiving it. Emotional pain is such a counterintuitive journey. Eventually folks find their way. Us fellow travellers compassionately encouraging and inspiring where we can.
It’s not the pain that teaches. It is a indicator of growth. Lean into the pain, and listen to the wisdom of others. Consider their words. And when one is ready, apply them.
That application is either for or against. Advice may not be applicable to someone’s situation. Or applicable for the moment. Everyone know their situation best, for they are living it. Either way, growth happens. Experience is gained. Lessons are learnt. Wisdom accumulates.
That being said, for those starting out, realize where you are. Listen and apply. If there is a large consensus of agreement of fellow travellers in a certain path or advice, consider it carefully. I’m not a proponent of blind faith. I do encourage having faith and following the wisdom of the compassionate folks here. All while, seeking understanding and rationalization of why to do so. An understanding and belief in why and what you do and live.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
LH, I agree with you about our role here as vets. Sadly, it takes so long to unwind, to learn how to detach. Our exes have the jump on us in that department, for sure, whether or not they've added a third party to the mix.
I don't know how to jump start that for someone coming here. The pre-programming is too strong to go cold turkey.
Yes, our pre-programming is very strong. You well know the poison I needed to transmute.
My XW is a vanisher. Lucky. Now looking back. At the time, I’d have given anything for a more common clinger. J was so off the rails. A rarity, ever for here. I so wanted the normal MLCer (haha, as if there is such a thing). As I said, lucky.
For what it’s worth, at first we are reprogramming ourselves. Basically, fighting against years and years of ingrained life experience. Fighting begets fighting. We fight back, against our efforts.
I found my path early. It’s complimentary programming, not re-programming. It’s building upon who we are. Finding peace. Strengthening our beliefs and convictions that serve. And letting go that which doesn’t. Understanding, rationalizing, empathizing, being compassionate, and so on.
How to jump start for someone. We can’t. All we can do is inspire and encourage. Detachment is the single best step forward. And it is a big one. I do so encourage folks to heed the wise suggestions of focus on you, be a gray rock, go dim, etc.
My path was greatly affected by who I am. I’m a technician by trade. A rather technical and logically oriented guy, who maintained a squishy heart through out this. I heeded the advice. Choose better not bitter. Eventually blocked J on FB. And so on. I saw the wisdom of that. And I knew I wanted it; and I absolutely did not feel like I did. I hated it actually. Absolutely detested the phrase “fired from the role of husband”. Lol.
Feelings are fleeting. A tenet I’ve encouraged plenty. I delved within and brought forth my convictions and live them. Let feeling flit, for they are temporary.
I went cold turkey. It hurt horribly. It passed. I was blessed. And I feel great. (Positive values encourage and reinforce positive feelings and thoughts.)
Once one finds the courage to let go that which they cannot change, they will find peace.
Just as everyone requires a certain amount of understanding and rationalizing before being able to let go, everyone requires a level of experienced pain as well. We all need to touch the hot stove, no matter how many warnings.